Letting Go

"You've brought me to the end of myself
And this has been the longest road
Just when my hallelujah was tired
You gave me a new song

I'm letting go
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
Falling into You

I confess I still get scared sometimes
But perfect love comes rushing in
And all the lies that screamed inside go silent
The moment you begin

You remind me
Of things forgotten
You unwind me
Until I'm totally undone
And with Your arms around me
Fear was no match for Your love
Now You've won me"

Letting Go by Steffany Gretzinger

click here to see this excellent song!


This song is therapeutic to me today! We have journeyed through this adoption now for 420 days, and have reached the ocean, so to speak, with no boat. We're waiting for our ship to come in, but it's still nowhere in sight.

After waiting for over four weeks to hear something, I couldn't wait anymore, and emailed our agency. I was informed that the judge is now returned from leave. Please pray with us that she appoints a court date soon!

I have become pretty good at distracting myself. It is a unique kind of crazy, waiting for a child you dearly love, but not really having any idea when the day will come when you're actually allowed to go to her! We know that delay can come again at any time during this process. Something could come up and push this out further and further. We had allowed ourselves to start imagining our Easter celebration as a family of 6 in her country of origin...now we're just hoping we get a court date some time before the courts recess in August...hopefully well before, but at this point, I'm not holding my breath.

When I am tempted to doubt, I am reminded that He has brought us this far. He is surely able to complete what He has begun. Each step that He had led us through has been miraculous. None of this could have been accomplished in human strength. Only by the will of the Father have we come this far. Only through His strength in us can we accomplish what we have set out to do. He loves our girl even more than we, or anyone else does!

He is the God who is able to perfectly complete...And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

And, after all, there is no fear in love.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. 1 John 4:18

I am letting go. Not giving up, no, never. But I'm learning so much in this waiting. I'm falling into Him, more and more. Trusting it into His hands, over and over.

Holding Pattern

Spring has sprung here in the Midwest. February was bitterly cold. It had us all pining for the warmth of the sun.

About a week ago we received word that our file had been assigned to a judge in Uganda. And now that judge is on a one month's leave. This means we will not be travelling for at least another month. I would imagine it might be reasonable to assume we would get a court date in May. Ambiguity is the flavor of the day around here though. Anything more than tentative gets our hopes too high.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't quite disappointed at this delay. Going from "we could get a travel date any day", to, "we won't travel for at least another month or more", is quite deflating. It's not just a trip we're talking about here. Or a package in the mail. It's a little person. We need her. She, I believe, needs us.

The stingy bit of sunshine we've been getting around here lately is a bit of a consolation. Now that the snow is gone, the little people can at least get out to play and get a change of scenery.

As much as I want to be angry with someone, and rant about foreign governments and judicial systems, I really do know that God's hand directs it all. I don't like it all, but somehow this is right, good and meant to be. Each day that I don't get to hug those little shoulders and caress those smooth brown cheeks hurts. Our grace-giving, all loving God knows this. He knows.

So we wait some more. It's been 403 days since I saw a photo on social media and opened my heart, this possibility, this door. The labor process since has been arduous, and has not yet ended. Relief is not quite in sight, but surely this misery has to end soon. Surely, we will turn a corner, and all these bends in the road will be behind us, and there will be our girl.

We've been tucking away little things for her, here and there. Some new, some handed down. One intangible inheritance from generations ago will precede or accompany her wherever she goes. It is beautiful and we hope she loves it. In my mind and heart it's who she is, blended with the day dreams of a new daughter and the dreams that come, unbidden but welcome, in the sleeping hours of the night, of a beloved memory.

Hopefully, the next time I write will be a hurried announcement of our impending travel! Please continue to pray for a court date, safety, good planning, health and no more bumps in the road. Thank you.

Oh and one more thing, a praise! We are overjoyed that my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, along with their two daughters, will be able to come to help and minister in Uganda for a period of time while Dan returns home. I am so grateful for their willingness to come out of the Comfort Zone, to love in a tangible way! Praise the Lord! Please pray for them as they prepare and fundraise.

Drawing Ever Closer

We are finally going to be able to make some tentative travel plans! We were informed that we will PROBABLY travel in April! This feels like a momentous day! Especially as we are drawing very close to the one year mark. It was February 14th of last year that I sent an email to A's agency. Two weeks later we found out they had accepted us as her family.

There have been multiple phone calls, many emails, hundreds of sheets of paper. Fundraising, prayer upon prayer upon prayer, months of waiting with no news of our girl, days when I open my email to discover the beautiful gift of a new photo or 30 seconds of her little personality, a cancer battle fought, holidays celebrated with the nagging notion that someone is missing, knowing that next time, next time we celebrate, A will be here. We've all been waiting and praying so long, she's a famous person around these parts. Her picture is everywhere. Her story is on many hearts. Will she really be ours? Do I really get to be her mama?

With the joy, there is also much to ponder and much to be done.

Here's a glimpse into my brain at 5:30 a.m., lying in bed with thoughts whirling like a hurricane.

Malaria, TYHPHOID, Yellow Fever, Luggage, Two months, parasite, bills, homeschool, UGANDA, dirt roads, transportation, emergency, HOSPITAL, packing list, GET IT DONE, food, foodborne illness, mosquito, skirts, summer clothes, sunscreen, DEET, guest house, walking to town, three kids, four kids, sign language, anemia, HOME, no hot water, paperwork, delay, water, visa, tickets, what if, leaning in.

God's words rise in my mind as I type these words, to paraphrase what it means in my words "You're not supposed to be worrying about anything Gina. Pray about it. Let ME take care of it." "You have only to be still and watch the Lord defend, protect and fight your battles."

The Israelites were gripped in fear. Why had Moses led them to this dangerous place away from all that was familiar, where they would surely DIE? But Moses, representing Father God, reminds them:

“Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the LORD rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

The Lord Himself has brought us here. The Lord Himself was with A every time she was deathly ill and her mama was not there. The Lord Himself has allowed our paperwork to all go through so far. The Lord Himself has moved in each love-motivated heart that sacrificially gave towards the redemption fund of our girl. Allowing us to be FULLY FUNDED, so that we could focus on packing, preparing, cleaning and do a little dreaming of our new daughter too! These are HUGE battles that He has won for A, for us, for our family.

I should not be worried, but I do feel twinges of anxiety. We love to know that there are friends praying for us! It is no small feat, to pack, to prepare, to plan, to bring three young children to a third world country, to stay for two months, and sustain all those little lives, with another joining us, with trauma, and strive to keep them healthy and happy. But it's my job. I can do everything I need to, with Christ giving me strength. Please pray that He would be tangibly near to us, from here on out.

To those who are reading these words and have already been praying, have donated money or time to our adoption fund, who have kindly encouraged or given helpful travel advice, I am so deeply grateful. It shows His love in you, beautifully.

Where We Are

Our hearts are so full. Many emotions bubble up to the surface. We are joyful that the days are flying by, each day bringing us closer to our girl. We still don't have a travel date. There are a couple of queues we will get that will alert us that it's getting close, but it seems that once we get our court date, we will need to leave asap. It would be wonderful to be able to travel as early as March.

It has been thrilling to receive videos and picture updates of A. At the same time, to see her sweet personality, and see her big smile, and to know that, as mama and daddy, we're still thousands of miles and many weeks till we see her, weighs on our hearts.

We received a letter at the end of November informing us that we were approved to receive a sizable grant towards our adoption. This is a huge, huge blessing.

Our adoption fund currently has a deficit of only about $5500, and we are praying about what steps to take to make up the remaining amount. We have recently applied for another grant, and are waiting to find out the decision of one more foundation. Getting blessed with either/both, would get us closer, if not all the way, to our goal.

Also, we have received a medical update on A. She seems to be doing well, but we have learned that she has most likely suffered profound hearing loss, at some point in her young life. We had suspected this for a little while, not knowing how severe it was. It is obvious that she is really not hearing much, and doesn't really speak. This is something the Lord knew from the very beginning and we grieve for her loss, but feel very able to manage, as we already see many specialists and have experience with hearing loss with Finn. We look forward to learning ASL, and hope to begin teaching her when we FINALLY get to meet her:)

So, to sum up, here is a prayer list:

1. For A's safety, health and happiness till we can bring her home.
2. That there would be no snags in the process, that everything would go as smoothly as possible.
3. That our time spent travelling (with 3, then 4 children) would be blessed. That everyone would be safe and healthy.
4. That our adoption fund would be at 100% by the time we need to travel.
5. Also, we appreciate continued prayers for my dad recovering from colon cancer. For healing, energy and high quality of life returning soon!

Update

We have recently received some hard news. First of all, we will be so grateful for prayers for my dad, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. This is quite a shock to us, as he is such a vibrant, healthy person. We are hopeful that with treatment, he is almost certain to recover, but will need much prayer for the next two months of chemo and radiation. And prayers for his wife as she cares for him as he goes through this difficult time.

Second, we were told by our agency to expect to be in Uganda 8-10 weeks. I saw this coming, but was really hoping that 4-6 weeks would be enough time, as that was the estimate when we first started this journey. We have figured out travel expenses and fundraising needs based on 4-6 weeks, so we have had to up our amount that we will need. This is a bit discouraging, but we know the Lord has a purpose in it. We joke that our kids will think that we are living in Africa, after staying there for up to 3 months:) I've wanted to be in Africa for some time now so am looking forward to it, but the downside is that of those 10 weeks we will likely be in Uganda, Dan will only be able to be with us for about 5 or so, we think. This thought brings me quite a bit of apprehension, as I can't sleep when he's not in the same vicinity, much less country. And to manage four little ones, on my own, in a new place, it will be challenging! Especially if/when someone gets sick! Please pray for a brave spirit for me, that can rely completely on the Lord, to bring me help when I will need it!

We are waiting to hear the decision for 3 of the 4 foundations we applied to for grants. One has made a decision already, and has promised us a grant of $1,000 that will be able to be used towards post placement fees. Unfortunately we will not be able to get it pre-placement, or pre-travel.

We need to start planning at least a couple more fundraisers, one big, one smaller, maybe.

All donations are, of course, very welcome! We are totally humbled by the sacrificial giving that continues to bless us, and ultimately, our little girl. At this point, anything we raise goes to fund our travel and stay in Uganda, to go through the necessary legal process of bringing A home. Please don't think that we are just trying to get a really nice, exotic vacation paid for by everyone else. We would much prefer to pay for it ourselves and for it to be quicker, but this is the necessary process and we are stepping out in faith. We are trying to find deals, and do everything as inexpensively as possible to be good stewards of the funds entrusted to us, but, when all is said and done, this is an expensive mission.

Sometimes I do wonder, is this the right thing to do with around $40,000??? But then I am reminded that many spend that much on a new vehicle, or jewelry, or vacations, or various other "things." This is a precious little human we are talking about! The most precious of all preciousness. Of course it's worth it, though, yes, the money could be spent in many other philanthropic ways. But to think, a little girl is going to get a mama and daddy from this money. It's allowing her to become an American citizen with access to the best in everything, and the gift of being raised, as we were, on the Bible and it's invaluable teachings. A worthy cause? Absolutely!

We plead for your prayers, and would welcome any and all ideas on ways to smooth the stay, raise funds or great Bible verses to encourage our hearts now, through these very challenging times we find ourselves in. There is so much to worry about these days, we all need peace in our hearts. I'm fighting to be peace-filled (that's quite the paradox) for my kids, my husband, and others who need me. I just need to be reminded, over and over, that "I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me."

Remember our girl in your prayers, as ebola claims more and more victims, as she has underlying health conditions, and we won't be able to go to her for at least another 5 months!!! I am so thankful that our Lord loves her more than even we do, and can easily protect her and that if she is meant to be a Church, then nothing can stop her from coming HOME.

Dossier Done

Well, it is finally done! The dossier is the grand finale of paperwork for the international adoption process. We had to compile original, notarized versions of our home study, medical certificates, marriage license, birth certificates, letters of employment, letter of recommendation, 5 references, the deed of our home, proof that our immigration application was approved, photos of us and our home, proof that we had current passports, and child abuse clearances and background checks. All of this times 6. And then I had to make three photocopies of each original! The stack was quite tall. And today it was sent on it's way to North Carolina, first stop, then to Kampala, final destination.

We began the process of gathering documents in March, because we had an idea of what we would need, but we didn't really officially start until closer to May. It took us a total of about 4 months, partly because we needed to wait for our home study, and then wait for immigration paperwork. We couldn't have done it any faster. It's been 7 months since I first saw A's photo. Six since we knew we would be her family. The earliest we could imagine travelling would be March, but it's all dependent on how her paperwork goes. They say 6-9 months is what it takes. So over a year since the whole process began. That's a long time to wait for your small, parentless girl.

We feel very blessed that we are able to pay the fees involved with submitting our dossier, a tidy little sum of $8,150. And once the request comes from Uganda for the rest of the fees, around $6500, we'll have that too. Thanks to those who have donated, prayed for and helped out with our fundraising. This is amazing, miraculous, huge! We thank you all from the bottom of our hearts!

We have one last mountain to summit, and that is the expense that travel will incur, along with a few other fees that pop up here and there. The total could be as high as $12,000 or higher, depending on how long our stay is. We were told 4-6 weeks, but it's sounding like families end up being there longer, sometimes double that length. Some may question our choice to bring our children, however, I cannot imagine not seeing my 7 year old, 3 year old and two year old for that amount of time. I don't think it would be good for them at all, and I don't think it would be good for our family. Not that it couldn't work for some or in a certain situation, but we are prayerfully planning on bringing all three. Even though it adds extra expense.

We are continuing to put our best efforts into fundraising. I know not everyone agrees with doing this for family building. The way I see it, orphans are everyone's responsibility till they find homes. But not everyone sees it that way, and it's ok. The Lord has worked with our 5 loaves and two fish. He has multiplied what we have done with generosity from the most unexpected sources sometimes. And that is just God for you!

Current Fundraisers

We will be at the Mahtomedi Farmer's Market for three more Saturdays. It is a fun, small town, quirky experience that I highly recommend.

We also are still accepting donations toward the Puzzle Project

And a great way, I think, for families on a tighter budget to help out would be Collecting Change.

We also are very honored that a Car Show will be held to help bring A home a week from Saturday, September 20th, from 9-5. For more details see the facebook page

You could say that now we're official. In our hearts, she's been our daughter since March. That means that we lay in bed and worry about her maybe getting sick, or being sad or hurt. It means we think of her often. I love that feeling of all my kids safely tucked in bed at night, but I always think to myself, no, they're not all safely tucked in bed. Someone is missing. My daughter.

There is something visceral about this mama daughter relationship already. I have a knot in my soul right now, considering recent events in Uganda. We beg for your prayers for her safety, for peace in Uganda, and that the process would not be delayed. My feelings for that little sweet girl are the same as if LuLu, Harry or Finn were in Uganda, surrounded by deadly dangers. Not that I think those things threaten her at this moment, but they could, they're much too near for comfort, and they loom with the threat of blocking our way to get our girl. This is something that is on our minds constantly. We won't truly rest till she's home.

Making Progress

Well, it continues to be a busy summer. It seems that is my normal state...if you ask me how I am it's always, busy. And a bit stressed and tired too. We have settled into somewhat of a rhythm, preparing for Farmer's Market each week, making lotion, GF bread, and blueberry muffins, among other things, and trying to keep up with housework, potty training, getting more organized, ordering homeschool material and planning for the school year.

It's been a cool, rainy summer this year, which is ok, but I would not mind a more seasonal temp after the long, bitter winter we had. The children have enjoyed getting outside quite a bit though. They still splash around the kiddy pool and love going to the park.

We are thrilled that our home study is done, finalized, notarized, and we have all the copies we need (we had to have 7 originals!!!) I sent in our immigration paperwork July 5th, the earliest we would expect to see that approved is in about a month. Once that is approved we can finish our adoption paperwork and send in our dossier!!!

We are almost done with our dossier, all the hard parts have been completed, we just need to make a few photo copies and take some pictures. It's been a 3 month process so far, 4 months if you count the application process, and 5 months since we saw that first little picture of A on a social media site and decided to find out if we were meant to be her parents.

The Lord is certainly preparing our hearts, filling us with more and more anticipation for her homecoming. I think about the difference between bringing home a newborn and bringing home an older child. To us, it will be a momentous occasion, but to the world, maybe not so much. Seeing a newborn people comment, and ooh and aahh. Seeing a 4 year old, dealing with the loss of her home and "family" and trying to adjust to a new culture and language, will certainly not evoke the same reaction.

I hope we can make up for some of A's losses, or at least soften them in some way, with the Lord, the healer of the brokenhearted. We are trying to prepare ourselves for the grief that she will feel, being separated from the only home she's ever known, and no longer surrounded by friendly, brown faces, under the warm Uganda sun. What a tremendous change that will be for a 4 year old.

The big question continues to be, "When?"

The answer is still hard. Hopefully February, more likely March, quite possibly April, May or June of 2015.
Please pray!
For the right amount of patience and that the Lord would mercifully speed the process along.
For A's physical, emotional and spiritual safety and health.
For the remaining funds we need to submit with the dossier.
For blessed fundraising for what we will need for travel.
For the Lord's peace and wisdom during this season of much pressure and strain. That we would respond in a godly manner in every challenging situation.