I sit here in a coffee shop, relishing a few, free moments. Moments in which I don't have to be mom, moments just to sit and think, read and reflect. The minutes are ticking by too quickly...hours slide by like water in a lazy river, smooth and almost unnoticed. Winter has gripped the Minnesota landscape and a rogue draft chills my left side. The light is beginning to slant and the icicles are winking a good-bye to this day. A day early in 2012, a new year.
As I think back on 2011, I honestly can't remember too much. It's all just a blurry haze, all but the one, big, wonderful thing that will set it apart from every other year of my life. The year we became four! 2011 was one long quest...a quest to find Harrison, though throughout most of it, we didn't know what the end goal looked like. Didn't know if it would be pink or blue, running and chattering or small and soft. It was a year with a large question mark, and my little sweet boy is the answer. A year of continuously throwing ourselves and our future into the unknown, because we were irresistibly drawn to do so, and hoping to find the one that was missing. And we did. We found shiny brown dimples, soft black curls, and million dollar smiles.
And now we're hooked. Hooked on this little person of pudge and also on the process of how we got him. And the more time that slips by, the more we feel that we need to be open. Open to closed doors, and ready to walk confidently through the ones that are open. We want to keep the door to our family open...always. Because the need is endless, and just like I knew I loved H before we even met, I know that I love what I cannot see yet, the person or people that have yet to walk in that open door. I am eager to get to that door, to get to that place where we can celebrate another child in our circle of love and laughter.
I ask myself if I am being hasty...if I am being greedy for more joy, more love, more small bodies around my kitchen table. I am asked if I can handle more, and I feel that my arms and heart can stretch forever. Little hearts are breaking for a mama and daddy all over the world, and this mama heart could not say no to loving any of them.
Lots of words and phrases float through my mind...Ethiopia, waiting child, foster care, special needs, attachment, when, what if, ministry, RAD, if money were no object, faith, believe, promise, God's will, little ones, family,Congo, contentment children are a blessing,
such a blessing.
I never knew what that meant. I always looked critically at the chaos, noise, exhaustion of large families. Now, I find myself dreaming of many little world-weary souls, finding respite, love and nurture in my home, in my arms. Sweet ones, who never sought trouble, but it found them. Precious babies that never felt the comfort of mother-love, or lost it before they were strong enough to bear a life of want and fear.
There are repercussions, one must count the cost. These complex little beings, with emotional and psychological depth can be twisted into knots that are difficult to work out. Love isn't enough to raise a child, one must have wisdom, experience, knowledge, common sense and much patience. But what is this life worth if it hasn't been poured out and used up? What good am I doing if I only do what is easy and safe? "If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." Who have I helped? Who will my ripple affect if it dies when I do? I am not content with the easy or the safe. "A ship in port is safe, but that is not what ships are built for" Grace Murray Hopper. Something in me challenges every step of the way, so why not channel that fight into something good? Into something great? Maybe we will be called to love someone that is hard to love...someone who doesn't give back? Well then "But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous” Luke 14:13-14. There are no certainties in life anyway. You can pour your life out for any child, biological or adopted and find it all thrown back in your face. We don't work for a reward from our children...we work to open up a new pane of glass from the soul, another place that can reflect more Light.
But I do, most of all, desire to take the path that my Lord has marked for me. If that means we stay a family of four forever, then I will devote my life to being a mom of two. If His plan if for 2 or 10, I am up for anything. I want to be so immersed in His Word and Will that I press on no matter how improbable my goal may seem. After all, none of us know what is just around the bend anyway. Great trouble or great blessing, we cannot predict or avoid either. Why not hold the hand of the One who can support us through all? After all, he took a struggling-to-make-ends-meet family and put a desire so strong it could not be ignored deep down inside their hearts. And then continued to open doors till they reached a great chasm. And just as they jumped, He built the bridge under them. If that isn't a miracle, then I don't know what is...and if it happened once, we know it can happen again.
I don't envision my life as one where I sit back and fill myself with my own desires. I see it as being a covering a shelter, a worker, a doer. However, I also now know the reward of little arms around my neck, sweet loving words and smiles from tiny faces. What the years may bring, what this new year may bring, I can hardly begin to imagine, what I know is what I live, laundry, dishes, cooking, picking up toys, goodnight kisses, resting with a sleeping baby snuggled under my chin, phone calls, laughter and frustration, sleeplessness and the busy energy of a chore-filled day. Thinking deeply and sleeping lightly and dreaming of better days, even though these ones are pretty blessed already. And remembering “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you" Matthew 7:7. There are many concerns to bring before the throne. But I am reminded that prayer does not inform God of any need or tell Him anything He doesn't already know...it is me, actively placing all that concerns me, in His hands...
So, to wrap this rather rambling post up, here are some last few thoughts. There are 5 million orphans in Ethiopia...we are learning about a program in Congo that is really affordable...we look to the Lord to expand our horizons, financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am beginning to plan, but wait on the Lord for His miracles and His timing, being content and patient. For He has truly blessed us with what we could never have deserved (beautiful children, a warm home and lots of love) and with what we need (enough lack to make us thankful and trust in the unseen Sustainer of all things).
Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh
The way your kisses taste
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do
I've missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh I missed you
I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently.
The Civil Wars, "To Whom It May Concern"
