What I've Learned As An Adoptive Mom

First of all, I've learned that titles bother me...adopted, biological, blah, blah, blah it all feels the same. My son is as dear and precious to me as my daughter, but the process by which he joined our family was different. Thus I learned things along the way that I did not have the chance to learn with my pregnancy with Lu.

So, I've also learned...

~Not to "limit" God and what He will do for you...we never thought that we would be able to find the funds for a $12,000 placement fee...and lo and behold we didn't find the funds for that but for a $20,000 placement fee, which is the better part of what we earn (and live on) in a year! But why am I surprised, that the God who parted the Red Sea and toppled the walls of Jericho could supply us with what we needed to bring our son home.

~In order to experience God to the fullest, you have to make yourself vulnerable, you have to take a risk to know that He will catch you!

~God doesn't work in expected ways.
What we thought would work well for us wasn't what He had in mind. He has blessed with the child we couldn't have dreamed up:)

~Love transcends biology...and you can love someone before you meet them or even know any details about who they are.

~You find out who cares about you when you do something or go through something that is life-changing...it is amazing to see who will give beyond what you might think possible/sensible and how humbled/loved you will feel!

~The Lord sends it when you need it, whether "it" is a nap, caffeine, a friendly phone call, or a baby:)

~God loves Me and, at least in this one circumstance of adoption, I find myself surrounded and empowered by His will. How thrilling it is to know that what I want and what God wants for my life match! Not that I conformed or maneuvered His plan to fit mine, but that somehow, despite my sinfulness and spiritual immaturity (and density sometimes) I still, through His grace, found the path that He wanted for me and my family and see that He is bridging gaps and working miracles to make it possible to continue. AND He is showing me my purpose in life. Mine is not to be a life of ease and luxury, but I wouldn't want it that way. I want to do something difficult, to accomplish something that goes beyond my own existence and positively affects the lives of others, especially those who have harder obstacles to overcome.

~Children are a blessing...no matter where they come from, how much or little melanin they have in their skin, or what their I.Q. or life-potential is.

~Human life is precious...(well, I believed this before, but now I couldn't be more convinced) and it deserves respect and protection in whatever form it takes.

~Children are not an accessory...and they are not here for my own amusement either (even thought most of the time they are very amusing)! Children are an opportunity to love in action, because you give and give, hoping but not requiring anything in return. And the more you give the more you get.

~Caffeine is a necessary evil/good to function on days following nights that seemed like day, except it was dark and you couldn't keep your eyes open while bottle feeding your son who wouldn't sleep afterwards and you keep reminding yourself over and over, I really, really love him, I really, really wanted him, I don't really need sleep, this too shall pass, I will miss him at this age, I'm not falling asleep, I'm not falling asleep, I'm not......................................:)

~That you really don't NEED 8 hours of unbroken sleep...it's all in your mind really, once you get going for the day and stop thinking about the fact that you only got 3.5 hours of sleep, it doesn't bother you!!

~God loves surprises...just the other day we got a reply from a granting agency we applied to 3 months ago...they awarded us $7,000...so we should be able to pay off our adoption loan! This was so unexpected, so out of the blue...it could only be the Lord's hand directing all this and we are learning to just lean back and let Him do the driving!

The First Few Days

The days have sort of become a blur...partially because we're so busy, partially because of the fog that sleeplessness creates:) This makes me want to write about our experience, before I forget. I want to always remember the joy and wonder of this time, even if it was spent in Houston...

Surreal

Holding my baby boy for the first time was just that...surreal. Like anything that you wait years for, when you finally get it, you feel like you're dreaming. Or maybe more like you think you should be dreaming, but it's real and you can't quite understand how. The days had been a complete tornado till arriving at the agency in Houston. And now that crazy, aching pull had brought us to our son. Praise the Lord!

Driving

The longer we were in Houston, the more we felt how much Minnesota is in our blood. We hated driving anywhere...too crowded and busy. We didn't like the "neighborhood." No place to walk. Nothing pretty around. After a couple days, Dan just wanted to go home. Because of the way we had set up the trip, not knowing how long it would take Harrison's "immigration" papers to go through, we had to stay. We loved seeing the Houston Zoo. Harrison is an easy and portable baby:) He happily slept in the Jelly Bean, waking only to frantically remind me that he was really about to starve. We loved Galveston, a lovely, white-sanded island about 1.5 hours from Houston. We didn't mind at all that the weather was anywhere from 70-90 degrees during the day. We enjoyed the fact that our room was cleaned by someone else, and that there was a pool and breakfast. But it got difficult to find food for my little allergy-bug. And we missed the peace, and beauty of the North.

Sleeping

Well, I never thought I would do so well with so little. Harrison is not into sleeping at night, and I am the main one to be up with him. Preemies are not supposed to go longer than 5 hours without a milky meal, so I really don't mind getting up. It's strange for me, because Lu slept through the nights from the beginning. However, sleeping now seems like an optional luxury. I can survive without it:)

Being a Minority

Many of the stores and restaurants we went into were filled with folks that looked at us a little strangely. We were usually one of the few white families there. I've never felt that way before, just being so conscious that I looked different. Not a bad feeling, really, just different. It was good for us, though, to feel that way, because at some point in his life, my baby is going to feel that way too. So far, being home, we've gotten nothing but gushy, adoring comments from strangers about our son...at some point some negative is going to come our way, but on my home turf I'm pretty sure I can handle it.

Health Care

I'm pretty fed up with our "health insurance." They won't cover Harrison till December. We've already had hundreds of dollars in medical fees, and there are hundreds and thousands more to come, because he's a preemie and there are things about him we need to monitor. He's doing great now, but things could go south pretty quickly. So, we're having to do some planning as to how exactly we will manage this. The biggest expense is his shot that he needs every month till the end of flu season. It costs $3,000...per shot. I'm still deciding whether we will do this or not. I need to know what's in it. What I do know is that it will protect him from getting RSV and potentially pneumonia. I just don't like what else (preservatives) could be in there too. I'm not worried, I know the Lord is in control. I'm just about ready to start my OWN health insurance company though. One that is run by human beings that have brains AND hearts. GOOD GRIEF!

Adopted (past tense)

I already forget my son was adopted. And I want it to be this way, for the most part. I think that I see a feature from my great-grandpa in him and then remember that that's probably not possible:) I don't want there to be a distinction between my biological child and my adopted child. They're both equally mine. Well, ours:)

Having Two

I love having two kids. The days go by much quicker, but they have new dimensions, new adventures. The house doesn't get or stay as clean or organized. I don't get dressed till about noon...I don't get as many showers:) I do get to check on two, sleeping angels each night. I get to marvel at how sweet they are and how much I love them. Lu is still pulling for a sister...she asked me one night if "We were going to get her sister tomorrow." I tell her, someday! We do not have any idea where the Lord will lead us next, because we're open for just about anything. We would like to do a foster adoption next, maybe a small sibling group. But we also have such a heart for international and special needs adoptions. One thing this whole process has taught me is that what you are called to do is not always the most practical. We never thought we would be able to pay for a domestic infant adoption. Not in a million years! But the Lord has come through. One, big dream has come true. I see no reason to limit God in what He will do in our lives'. For now, though, we are one happy, little family. Trouble still catches up with us, things still break, bills still pour in. But somehow we manage to float, and for some reason God wants it that way. God is good and God is able, and the more we focus on Him, the more we are convinced that everything will work out for our good and His glory.

The Waiting Is Over

Well, the wait is finally at an end...for now anyway:)

It was quite the climactic ending to this part of the story. As is true in any, good, captivating story, after adversity, ups and downs, the grand finale blows you away with the excitement, danger and suspense finally concluding in a glorious finish. Except, this is just the beginning!

It all began on Friday morning, the 14th of October. It was around 11:15 a.m. and I was just getting out of the shower. All of a sudden, the phone began to ring. Rather grudingly, I trotted down the stairs, wondering "Who is it now??" It was Dan. He asked me how it was going...he sounded strangely happy. I say strangely because it had been a very stressful week at work, and every day that I had spoken to him at work he was, to put it bluntly, a bit grumpy. He asked me if I was sitting down, and my first thought was "Yay, the adoption loan went through!" But that wasn't it. After obliging him and sitting down, he uttered words that I will never forget. "You're going to be a mommy again." "What?" "What?" "Are you kidding?" I was shocked! Well, who is this baby? He is 6 weeks old, a preemie, in Texas, waiting for us to come get him! We exchanged shocked reactions and then he emailed the sparse details of this little baby boy.

He had been born at 28 weeks gestation. Just released from the hospital, he was now in foster care. They wanted us down there asap. The birth mom had chosen us!!! The birth father had not yet signed but had agreed to do so that afternoon. The next thing we had to focus on was making sure we had all the funding we needed. This adoption would cost $20,000 plus travel costs. We had two grants, some cash in savings, but still had a deficit. I was feeling panicked...what if now that we're chosen the funds don't come through? But then peace flooded in as the Lord reminded me that this was not too difficult for Him, He was in control. The next 44 hours were frantic, ceaseless activity.

Dan called the loan company. We would get the loan, but it would not go through till Tuesday and there was a bunch of paperwork to do. So for that day my focus was to get three things done 1. Get paperwork done 2. Book a flight, rent a car 3. Choose a name. We learned that because they wanted to start the ICPC paperwork right away that the caseworker in TX would need a name. We had no name!

The day flew by with the kids tearing the house apart, getting in trouble and breaking down in tears. Apparently they were feeling a bit stressed:) The phone calls from our caseworker, family members and working out details with Dan were unending. The emails were flying too. They detailed what airport to fly into, whom to call when, where to stay and provided documentation needed by the credit union. I juggled everything, but didn't have time to eat, do my hair or put on any make up. There was a revolving door at our house that day. Grandparents, siblings and in-laws...the usual for our house. And everyone wanted to know about this next leg of the journey.

By the time Dan got home, I had gotten the house in some semblance of order and dinner was actually cooking. I had snatched moments here and there to frantically search for affordable airfare and check for new developments in our story. The birth father signed the papers. A necklace would be a good gift for the birth mom. A picture was finally sent, not a great likeness but something to look at, a balm to remind us why we were enduring this unbelievable amount of pressure. At around 8 p.m. I was sitting down to do paperwork. We hadn't decided on a name yet, hadn't really even gotten a chance to thik about it. Our laptop kept shutting down, it couldn't handle the stress either, so Dan's mom graciously went home to bring her actually-from-this-decade laptop so we had something reliable to work on while searching for airfare. We hadn't decided yet if we were going to do round-trip or not. We didn't know for sure when ICPC would go through, so we thought about just driving home. The idea of this with a newborn was not appealing, however, and we thought it would end up costing just as much as the flight home, once all was said and done.

By now, it was around 9:30. Still no name. Dan worked on booking the flight. We were trying to compare, but by then, we just needed to jump on something. So we booked the flight and the car. This done by a man who had never flown, and a woman who had not flown in 5 years. We were fish out of water:)

Now it's getting close to 10 p.m. The name had to be in by midnight. Dan gets distracted easily, especially when his brother is around, which he was at that time:) So, at 10:30, we were still deciding. Eventually, everyone had made their way home and it was just Dan and I. I went outside to take the dog out. I thought "Harrison is a nice name...Harrison Daniel?" When I came in I presented it to Dan, who was going through lists of names, one letter of the alphabet at a time. He put the name on his list. I think he liked the fact that we would be naming the child after him! I went upstairs to the bathroom and when I came down, we were in agreement...Harrison Daniel it was, just like that!

Finally, it was time for bed, but the list for the next day was daunting. I don't think either of us slept much. The night before we were waiting. As I took my shower that morning, I was praying for patience. Now, we were suddenly the mom and dad of a little boy we had never met or even heard about that morning. So strange. So awesome!

That morning, Saturday, I got up and cleaned my kitchen. I knew I couldn't function properly with a disaster in the heart of the house. And then I made pancakes. I wasn't sure if I would have time to sleep that night before our early morning flight, but we were going to have breakfast!! By around 9 a.m. I was online and making phone calls. I think I must have made about 8 or 10 calls, to airport, caseworker, family members etc. One big thing that I was working on was getting a hold of one of our granting agencies. The rule was the money to be matched had to be in their hands before placement. Placement, we had just learned, would be as soon as we could get to the agency office upon landing and getting our car. We didn't have much time, and as the hours ticked by, and still I heard nothing from them, the tension in me rose. I knew we could take out more for the loan, but I believed that God would come through for us on this one. We hadn't been awarded this grant for no reason!

By mid-afternoon I needed to start running errands, so I packed up the dog and my list and LuLu and I headed out. My mom and I met my sister at the mall. I had requested help in picking out a gift for Harrison's birth mom. I knew what I wanted and after searching a few different stores, I found something perfect. It was on sale, so it was within our price range. At this point, we were under the impression that we would be meeting her. I had nervous thoughts and feelings about this, but at the same time, knew it would be good for my son! During our shopping trip I got a call from Dan. He had talked to someone from the grant agency. We could drop the check off that day!! Praise the Lord. Everything seemed like a miracle that day, because there were so many unknowns!

We all had lunch together. Then, my sister traded me my nephew's hand-me-downs for my dog:) I came out ahead on that one:) Another thing off my mind...I knew our little doggy was now in good hands!

I headed to Target then home. It was surreal picking out the needed baby items. I couldn't believe our family was going to have a baby again...formula, diapers, tiny, soft blankets.

When I got home the house and garage was buzzing with activity. Dan had a side job that had to be finished that day, so he had a support team with him...his dad and brother. I unloaded the car and headed out again with the check. I left the $2,000 check in the hands of a teenage girl I had never met before. Ok!

Then I went home. More family members had arrived, ready to help. I needed someone to sort baby clothes, I needed to know what I could pack and not be arrested for. I needed to know how heavy my bag could be. I needed to clean out the goat shed and chicken shack. I needed Lu to be watched. The Church clan pulled together and helped Dan and I out tremendously that day! At some point, a bassinet showed up that we could borrow...from my brother-in-law and his wife. I began packing. Dan was getting close on the side job, but all of a sudden got a call from our wood guy that he was dropping off a load. Think small mountain of telephone-poll-like trees. So that showed up that day too:)

We were busy into the evening, but we were able to accomplish everything we needed to do, including faxing all the needed paperwork to the credit union.

I set the alarm for 4 a.m. I actually did sleep...a bit.

When the alarm went off, I snapped awake faster than I ever have. Then I felt a little sick. What are we doing??? I think I was in shock, and I was very nervous about flying...getting through security and finding the right gate. But it all went smoothly. It was so strange to us, to be in an airport, headed to Texas, in what felt like the middle of the night. And then what? They were just going to hand us this little baby and let us leave with him? What in the world!!

The boarding, take off, landing, waiting, boarding, take off and landing went smoothly. The closer we got the more excited and nervous we became. We landed in IAH and waited forever for the one item we checked...a car seat:) Lu was bouncing off the walls, literally, and at that point I believe we got a voicemail from our caseworker. We had been trying to figure out if we could be approved really fast for a grant that we had applied for earlier that week that we figured would be a shoe-in. Problem was, although we had mailed the application in on Tuesday, it hadn't arrived and if they didn't get it that day, it wouldn't be considered. We were a bit bummed by this, and I knew that now we would have more paperwork to do at the hotel after we got Baby Harrison...I did not want to do that, but if we got the grant, it would really help.

We found the shuttle that took us to our rental car. We got matched with our car. We got directions to the agency. We got lost, turned around. Turned around again. Called the caseworker 6 or 7 times. Couldn't figure it out! We were on the right road, we were seeing some of the landmarks she was telling us, but where was this place!!! I was so stressed and tired my eyes felt like they were going to bleed. I kept praying "Lord just let us find it." Finally, we realized our GPS was totally off, we needed to go south about 4 miles. Then we found it easily. We walked into this little suite in a strip mall. A friendly woman was telling us our baby was in there, but she held a folder. This first, because once the baby comes out you're no good to me! We almost made it through the whole stack, but the time had come. We needed to meet our Harrison! They took Lu out, apparently the tradition there is to let the sibbling "carry" the baby in to mom and dad. Weird but, whatever, just bring me my baby. And then there he was, this impossibly tiny, brown baby. I picked him up and looked at his little face, told him it was mommy, told him I loved him, gave him his first kiss from mama. We took pictures, did a few more formalities, including writing out a very big check (Yikes!)

Then, we loaded him in the car seat and drove out the parking lot. He was ours. Let's go "home." I hated putting him in that car seat, but once we arrived at our hotel, he did not stay in that car seat one second longer than he needed to!

We did have to get that application in that night, so while I fed him his "first" bottle I was also typing away. It wouldn't work to email it, because I couldn't save the info on the form, so I had to print and scan and attach. The hoops we jumped through!!! We got it in by around 9 p.m. A day late, worth a try. Then, we were free! Free to enjoy our sweet little boy, who every time we looked at him got more precious and cute. It was surreal. Like nothing we've ever done. One of the greatest things we ever done, by far!

The next day I received a voicemail from our caseworker...we got the grant! Icing on the cake. Now, we could enjoy 9 more days in Texas, like going back in time it was so summery warm. I'll write about our stay in the next post!

The Skinny for Today

Hello Folks! We continue to pray for a birth mom in TX who is still working on making a decision about where to place her baby(due in 13 days). We also received word yesterday on a sibling group in Oregon, ages 2 and 3, for whom we are going to be considered. This would be a foster adoption. Our case worker called this one a long shot...hmmm:) Also, we are inquiring about a baby boy in NY, about 5 months old, born at 26 weeks. This one I'm calling a long shot, but the agency that represents him is so amazing, I am just totally impressed by them and the work they do. I'm quite sure they will be overwhelmed with interest in this little one. So that's what we know so far...

Wow, it is just a glorious day here in MN...the sky is just radiant. May you all be blessed today with a better understanding of the loving and just God that surrounds us with His presence, and shelters those who obey Him in His providence. Psalm 78!!!!

Being Real

Hello again. I'm sitting here with an empty coffee mug, excuse me while I remedy this...
Ok, I'm back...this is a good time to write. Two out of the three are down for naps and Lu is contentedly playing with Polly Pocket. I'm still battling a sore throat, I think I'm on day 12, but for the most part I'm back on track. I'm also in a better frame of mind than last night.

Yesterday we received news that we were passed over for yet another baby. Another situation that would have worked out really well for us, and that we were really hoping would work out. I also received news that one agency that we work with is increasing their fees. Yay. Then it got me thinking that if there were no such thing as abortion, we could have had our baby a long time ago...and that thought didn't lead to a very good place for me either. I'm running into brick walls here. There are some things I am absolutely powerless to change or alter.

This is about the hardest it's been for me emotionally. Probably partially because I've been sick for so long. I always get a bit depressed when I'm sick...I feel like I'm trying to run a marathon with the flu...I still have to make it to the end but it's going to take much longer and hurt more. Life doesn't stop for a sick mom. And the stress level is ramped up. Things are moving faster now that the school year has started up and as always, I keep my head just barely above water. Part of me loves and needs to be busy, part of me hates it.

Also, during the summer when we were hearing nothing, at least we weren't being rejected. This makes the 5th situation that we've been considered and not been chosen for. Now, compared to a vast majority of adoption stories this may be quite tame, and perhaps we've only begun. But from the outset, we were told we could be matched anywhere from one week to 6 months from the time our homestudy was completed. We are over the 4 month mark. And now we're being considered for one situation out of the four potentials last week. I would expect she will make her choice soon, as the baby is now due in 18 days. I sometimes wonder if it would be better if we didn't know when our profile was being shown. It would spare a lot of the suspense and dissapointment.

We are applying for yet another grant. So great that they are out there, so sick of filling out the applications, asking our friends for references, photocopying all of our "financial" information...

Our info went out to a new adoption agency last week, so we should be interviewing with them soon. They are located in Utah. Not sure if they have any situations that would be open for us. Guess we'll see.

We've been waiting officially for four months, but we began this process in October of last year. We've been trying to get the ball rolling since Lu was 18 months old. She's now 4. We've been waiting and waiting and waiting. We've watched a winter, a spring and a summer go by since beginning our work with GCAA. Maybe that's why it makes me really sad to see the glowing leaves of our trees drop to the ground, time is slipping by. We hope we are ready, we think we are. I have absorbed so much material on adoption, attachment, children from hard places, birth moms, RAD, ADHD, ADD, brain chemistry, child development, FAS, FAE, various syndromes, genetic abnormalites and diseases etc...that pretty soon it's just all going to explode out of me:) I'm READY!!! Thanks to those who are praying...

Also, any ideas on how to put on a really exciting and profitable bake sale??? If nothing works out in the next few days, I think that may be where I turn my attention. HELP!:)

Quick Update

Baby I has been matched with another family. We just found out this morning. There are three situations in TX that we can be shown for, and our caseworker is going to be sending our info to an agency in Utah. Also, I did some research on my own and found a situation of a birth mom in Kansas that looks like a possibility (just waiting to hear from her caseworker) and also on a photolisting website, I found a baby girl that was just listed, and inquired about her (probably along with 45,000 other hopeful adoptive moms:))

In the meantime, we've finished yet another application for financial aid, I think this is our 6th that we've applied for and are also working on another one this week (that would be our 7th.) It's so great that there are so many foundations out there that want to help!

Through this process, I have learned that when you want something from God, a baby in our case, you don't whine and complain and act sorry for yourself. You present your request at the throne of Grace and then praise Him. If my daughter did that, I would never be able to refuse her anything!!! God is teaching me how to wait for the desires of my heart graciously, even when I feel like it's the most ridiculous thing to wait for, since all around the world children are suffering from the want of a parent or two. I do not understand, but I sing and wait. Psalm 71:14 "But as for me, I will hope continually, and will praise Thee yet more and more." Love this!

The Plain Facts

Ok, so we're back to waiting to hear about Baby I, we'll call him, in FL. Remember, he's 19 months old and in foster care, waiting for his forever family. Today the people in charge of him (there are many) will have a meeting and put the four families in a list of whom they would most likely place him with. They could throw some families out all together as well. Hopefully, we will hear something today or tomorrow. We have a photo of this little guy and he is CUTE! He has some issues he has to work through, based on the fact that he didn't get medical care as a developing preemie, but nothing major as long as his therapies are successful.

Also, there are three situations in TX we can be shown for. They will each cost $19,000 which is a number that we're comfortable with, but wouldn't be able to use one of our grants for, so we would still need to come up with an extra $7,000. We could take out a loan and survive that, but the interest rates are high (8-15%) so we will continue applying for grants/no interest loans and hopefully squeeze in one more fundraiser.

We did receive a wonderful gift yesterday of $5,000. I feel like we are a non-profit organization when I talk about adoption funds, so forgive me if I am too revealing in all this. I just wish to encourage all you who are praying and those who may someday wish to adopt.

Here's where we stand right now financially...most adoptions that we've seen will end up costing about $20,000...we've seen three that were $10,000 or under, so that's always a possibility. However, there are also travel costs to consider, post placement fees (anywhere from $900-$2,000) and finalization costs (up to $10,000 in some cases.) So what I'm saying is, any amount that we raise is helpful and even when we reach our "goal" there will most likely be more needed.

The Breakdown of what we have now:GGAM Matching Grant $4774 (we need $113 for this grant to be fully matched)
MICAH fund matching grant $0 (they will match up to $2000)
$1300 in savings (gift money)
$7,000 if/when we need it, from generous family:)
This leaves a need for the MICAH grant to be matched, and once that is accomplished, a $7,000 deficit till we reach just over $20,000.


Still waiting to here from Show Hope and Kaitlyn's Fund granting agencies, mailing in an application tomorrow for a no-interest, low payment adoption loan from ABBA fund (this would be a huge blessing to get!!) And will be applying to Elijah's Truth next week...I can only do one application at a time, or I start losing important documents and my mind.


Ways you can help:1. Pray that we would be awarded the right grants or loans. Pray that our baby would come home before Christmas!!! Pray that our hearts, minds, bodies and souls would be ready to love and nurture this child no matter what needs he/she may have.
2. If you feel led, give by clicking the donate button to the right. Even if we end up doing a low cost ($10,000 or under) adoption, we will still need help for airfare, hotel stay(s) (while we wait to take baby home), car rental, post placement fees and finalization (the legal part to becoming the child's parents.)
3. Ideas for a benefit or fundraiser that could give a final boost to what we've raised so far.
4. Letting us talk to you about our adoption. Our hearts are full, so whenever there's something you want to know, or if you just feel nice enough to have us talk your leg off, just ask!!

While I feel that our need is pretty great at this point, there are thousands of other adoptive couples out there needing the same financial help. I would encourage you to consider adoption, but if you can't help in that way, to give to those who want to. There are some wonderful ways to give, and if you don't know anyone personally, consider giving to a granting agency! Some great ones are God's Grace Adoption Ministry, MICAH fund, Elijah's Truth and the ABBA fund. There are many, many more. What is the sacrifice when you consider what you are doing for one or many precious, helpless, children?

The Roller Coaster That We Ride

I often hear and talk about how the adoption process is like being on a roller coaster. You have many emotional highs and lows. Interestingly, at the moment, I feel that my emotions have turned off, which is a relief. I guess I must be the type of person who, unconsciously, guards against heartbreak once it's already happened. I do try to tell myself to not get excited, this might not work out, or this probably won't work out. But I find that I have to do that less and less. I feel that I'm just plodding along, muscling through giant stacks of to-do's, adoption and non-adoption related alike. When we are presented with each situation, there is always a catch...you're one of many families, the fee is really high, the birth mom hasn't decided yet, won't decide, changes her mind, the baby's medical condition is too severe etc... The idea of one day getting our child is exciting, but I suspend my feelings until I get the door slammed...again. I guess, like I've said before, we know how to deal with the no's, because so far that's all we've gotten. I don't mean to sound like Eeyore, though:) It's a relief to not have the feelings, at this point.

We do get tired and burned out though. The things we have had to do, the appointments, the hoops we jump, both to try and get enough funds and to try to convince others that we would make great parents to this or that child is exhaustive, when it's all piled up with our other labors. So, this last weekend, we were finally able to escape, just the three of us, to our favorite place in the whole world. It was beautiful, the weather was, for the most part, lovely, and we got to do everything we wanted to do. It did involve lots of driving, about 12 hours total, so during the road hours we logged, we listened to a book that I would highly recommend. It is called "In A Heartbeat" and it's by Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy. As they talk about their adopted son, Michael, Dan and I both tear up. It's both encouraging and galling. Encouraging to hear a success story of a wonderful, loving union between a family and it's newest member. Galling because it just makes our hearts ache to hold our new baby!!

We did hear from our caseworker today that there is a new situation. We haven't made the decision on whether to move ahead with this one yet. There are two things to consider. First, on Friday there will be a meeting that will determine the baby in FL's future. They have four families, and my understanding is that whoever is involved in his well-being will decide who the best candidate is and whether any family doesn't fit the bill. They won't decide where to place him yet, just basically make a list from best to worst. When we hear where we fall on that list, we will know better how to proceed with this new baby.

This new baby was born August 9th:) He has a deleted chromosome, so they are expecting him to be special needs, though what that special need might be, we have no idea. Even with this, the fee will be over the $20,000 mark and that may not include the placement fee! We are open to considering him besides that. He was a preemie, born at 33 weeks, but it sounds like so far he is doing great! Please pray that we would be able to make a wise decision regarding the funds. Unless we hear something this week about the two grants, we need to find out if we would be able to take out a loan. We also just found out that the financial aid that we requested for uncovered medical expenses (LuLu's pre-existing condition of nut allergies!!!) was denied, so that will factor into how well we can manage more debt. It would only be till we got the adoption tax credit, but that would not be till 2012 because of the 6 month waiting period till finalization. So we will really need to feel God's leading in this one, as the height of the fees make us hesitate.

So, you may see how, at this point, it's hard not to get caught up in the details, and not in excitement. Each situation that we have come across so far that we think "Hey, we can afford this one" has not worked out so far, so maybe the Lord has some really big miracles "up His sleeve." Adoption itself is a miracle and one thing I know, when I finally get to hold my child in my arms, I will be overwhelmed with love and thankfulness!

The Conclusion To This Chapter

The birth couple have made their decision and it is not us. They said they liked us but the other couple had family in Dallas (where they're from) so they chose them. I'm so glad we know, now we can go on vacation for a few days and just be distracted and enjoy one another! Thanks to all who prayed about this situation! Please continue to pray as we will be applying for more grants and finally shipping out our profile books! We have decided to try out working with an agency that has a $20,000 fee since we have received a matching grant from MICAH (we have held off doing that till now, we're not leaving our current agency). So look out, more fundraising to come! Our goal will be $2,000, if we can raise that then the grant will be fully matched!!

We are dissapointed, but we can't really be too sad, because we now know that this wasn't our baby. It may be the waiting baby in FL, it may be another child altogether!

Continuing the Interview

We had our phone call with the birth parents this afternoon. Dan and I were on speaker at his work, while the birth parents were on one line and their caseworker on another. It was a bit awkward, as there were pauses where none of the five of us were speaking. We felt that we didn't have many questions for them at this point because what we want to know wouldn't matter till/if they choose us. So, we answered their questions (the father did most of the talking) to the best of our ability. I can say this for the young man, he didn't give anything away in response to our answers. Totally calm and cool, no indication of whether it was being well-received or not. Let me tell you, it is tough to have a phone call with someone you've never met. You can't see their face to know what they're thinking, and this is a rather important topic that we were discussing!!

Later, (about 15 minutes) we received an email from our caseworker. Their caseworker had wanted to pass along the info that she thought we had "done a good job" in the conversation. Good adoptive parents, good!!:) We hope for the decision soon. We pray for peace with the outcome.

Nail Biter

Ok, well, we just heard from our caseworker moments ago...the birthparents of the baby in TX have narrowed it down to us and one other family. They wanted to know if we would do annual visits (us going down there.) We said yes. We will be having a phone conversation with them before they make their decision (AHHH!!!) Please pray that the Lord would give us peace and clarity right now and prepare us for whatever their decision may be!

Newsflash

Hi everyone!
Just wanted to quickly let you all know that another situation has arisen for us. The two-year-old girl is going to be placed with another foster family, eventually to be adopted by them. However, a while back I mentioned two little boys in foster care in Florida. Well, we have finally heard back about one of them and we are very excited and encouraged by this news! We are one of a few other families interested in adopting him (he is 19 months old) so there will be a committee held to decide where he will go.

Our profile will be shown to the birth parents of the October baby on Thursday. After waiting so long, it is exciting to have options, but we have to be very guarded because we now feel torn. We are totally trusting the Lord, that He will lead us right to the perfect baby for our family! We trust that the timing of the commitee and the birth parents' decision will work out just right! It could take months before the committee is held for the little boy in foster care, or it could take weeks.

Also, for both of these adoptions we are almost fully funded!! This is great, however, we do not have a guarantee that either will work out. We have an interview with a granting agency on Saturday, and while this is great, we also feel uncomfortable not knowing if we will need the money or not! Of course, the money would not be issued if we didn't need it, but it would just be easier to know for sure beforehand, which of course, most likely will not happen. So, again, we are praying and would ask that you pray also that the Lord leads us in these matters, because only He knows where we will end up!

More situations!

I will just briefly outline what we heard about today...

First Situation
Baby girl, due in October. Considered possible special needs. Fees should be around $5000 although we're not sure if we would be able to use our grant money for this one. We'll be sending them a letter, per their request, and our profile book. They'll be the first birth parents to be looking at it!

Second Situation
Toddler aged 2(the email says she's two but the DOB was typed as 2007)?? Girl, healthy. Not sure if this could work for us because she's in Michigan and apparently they want her to be able to continue contact with the family she's staying with now. Biological baby sibling due in one month, expected to be taken from the biological home because of drugs.

There is a mixture of heartache and hope in each of these girls' lives, please pray for them tonight. We will let you know if/when we hear anything about these children. Again, it is such a blessing to be finding out any new situations, but the added adrenaline does not help us to wait, it makes it a bit more difficult to control our impatience.

The Latest

Brief of the latest:

We were able to send in that grant application after all!! Thanks Show Hope, for bending the rules just a bit for us!! Please pray that if it's the Lord's will that we will get this grant, and they give up to $10,000!!!

I am also in the process of applying to MICAH fund and feel rather confident about this one. It would limit what race of child we could adopt, but we are comfortable with that, since AA babies are considered hard to place.

We did get another notification of yet another baby boy. He was due very soon, with a placement fee of $11,000. His mother decided to parent. She is in trouble though, and this family will need prayers to combat substance abuse and the need to use foster care. I'm not sure how she will manage, but they both need our prayers!!

That's it so far...it's nice to finally be hearing of possibilities!

Lovable

It's time for some updating...
We have finally gotten word of some babies. It's encouraging t0 finally hear something. Apparently we were in a baby drought. Comes in waves, I guess. This news is laced with discouragement for us, though. One placement fee was $30,000. And it was a baby with high risk for developmental delay and other issues. Because there isn't much going on in the adoption "market", costs are up. The next email I received was about a $10,000 (what we are closer to in our fundraising) baby with...well, we weren't sure of everything right away, but we knew for sure hydrocephalus and cleft palate, premature. The sobering and confusing details of his short existence are beyond our ability to cope with as parents, we found. Some of the things that were plaguing this little one I've never even heard of. I researched each medical term used to describe him and knew that this baby was not for us. It took me a while to get to that realization. As someone who hates to go halfway with anything, it's hard to say no. We have agreed to consider some special needs, but some babies come into this world so incredibly malformed, it's stunning. I try to imagine a situation in which I could choose to raise a child like that. If I had money, if my child were older, if I had medical experience. But the reality is that I had to say no to a child. A mother and fatherless child, who was born at a tiny 32 weeks, with so many health problems, it's amazing to me that he's alive. It's heartbreaking, and it makes me feel just a little dissapointed in myself.

It makes me wonder why these little ones are sent to us "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13. God allowed that little boy to be formed like that, on purpose. It wasn't a mistake or an accident. God allowed whatever caused this damage to shape this little one into what he is. What will his existence look like? How can one so twisted and deficient enjoy life? Will he even know emotions at all? We may never know, but it brings me to the thought that perhaps these little ones are sent into the world not as a tease to them, to be forever envious of the rest of the "normal" human race. Or without awareness at all, without the ability to perceive anything about life besides mere existence. Perhaps God sends them here to see what we will do with them, to see how this world will love them.

I spend my days with perfect, beautiful, really smart kids. They are really lovable. There is nothing twisted or ugly about my daughter's appearance except the scar on her lip from her accident. And I hate it, because it mars her perfect, childish beauty. It hurts me to see it, because I know she will bear that evidence of her wound for the rest of her life. As a teenager, she will look at it while she puts on her makeup and what will she think? Despite the scar, she is just as pretty as could be. My niece and nephew are just gorgeous specimens of humanity, indeed, every baby born into my world has been just about perfect.

But loving them isn't meritorious, it doesn't prove me capable or truly self-sacrificing love, I will always get something back from them, even if at some naughtier moments, it's nothing more than seeing their lovely little faces. Of course I love them, anyone would. It's easy. It's not so easy to imagine loving a baby with physical features that are wrong, that are not perfect. To imagine that child as an adult, and what years of suffering and brain deterioration could do to a face and body already twisted and broken. I think I could love a baby with some deformities, but it makes me feel guilty that I could not handle anything. Because I ask myself the question, if not me, then who? They say they are "desperately searching" to find a family for him, and he lays in a hospital, pitied and cared for, but not doted on and adored, like the babies in my world.

Maybe these little ones are sent as a test to see how much our love will stretch. To test to see how big our hearts can grow. I feel that I cannot take this test.

And ultimately, I know that God will lead us to the right child. Maybe this is him! God will have to make that very, ridiculously clear to me, because at this moment, I can't wrap my brain around it.

What I know is that our fundraising efforts have yielded just enough for a special needs baby. Is this God's will for us?

I do continue to apply for grants. One that I have worked on for over a month was a waste of time, because with everything else going on I missed a deadline for it and will not be allowed to re-apply. That really is a blow to Miss Type A. I have to soothe my frustration with the truth that it wasn't meant to be. We have one application that we have submitted and haven't heard anything about, two that we know we won't get. I am currently working on two more, and have one I will do when these two are finished. They are doors that could lead to a different type of adoption than what we've been faced with lately. So, I guess if we get them, then we will see that as a sign. If not, we will remain open to almost any type of baby.

I was a bit upset to learn that the baby in foster care in FL (the boy with spina bifida) is now back "on the market", supposedly. I feel strung along in this situation, and am very cautious about dwelling on this situation at all. The birth mom has a court date in September, and is "going to make an adoptin plan." Well, we've heard that before and will believe it when it happens. And if it does, I would be surprised if she picked us. And then, we know nothing of his medical condition, so we might find ourselves again needing to make a difficult decision. I'm going to do my best not to think about it until we know the facts.

We still have heard nothing about the little boys in foster care in FL that had special needs and visual impairment. We're not really waiting to hear, if something else were to come up that looked like a good fit for us, we would pursue that. We're just staying open to all these situations for now, till we know more.

So far, we have just over $1000, plus a grant that has almost been fully matched, for a total of about $6000 to for sure go towards our placement costs. As the time flies by, we feel that we may need to try to get a loan, because we just don't know how long it will take to be matched, and each day that passes, where are profile is not out there, is one less day of possibility. The home study does have an expiration date, and we thought that we could raise enought by now. We are not despairing, it is God's timing, but if you should feel led to donate, even a very small amount helps. Also, purchasing an item on Small Steps is a way to help, as well as purchasing a t-shirt. I have no idea how many t-shirts have been sold, as it is all handled by the company. So I cannot say how much we have raised so far with that. The most I could imagine would be around $500. Our goal is to raise up to or above $20,000.00 which leaves us with a deficit of about $14,000.00 or so.

This is a complicated process, and if you have any questions or need any clarification please feel free to ask via email. I am not always able to reply to a comment with another comment right here on the blog, but am very open to questions and thoughts!!

I praise God for each baby born to this world; life is precious no matter what. And I thank Him, too, that LuLu is so healthy. She is very blessed!!

We send hugs and kisses to our lovable little child, wherever you are out there!!

Now I have a shocking amount of housework to catch up, so, good-bye for now!!

Agriculture

Our little farm inside Suburbia...a glimpse!
My Grandma Eva always had these in her garden, up until the last year she lived at her home. I started these from seed this year and plan on always having them in my garden as well!!


Ruby and Pearl are the first to get breakfast and are always hungry, it seems.

Investigating LuLu's squirt gun to see if it's edible...they don't seem to mind getting shot at:)

One of the 7...the rest were a bit camera-shy!

I haven't bought eggs in quite a while!

Our "tomato trees" planted from seed!


Newest additions, Figaro and Panther

The guard

Tidbits

Well, we're about 2.5 months into the waiting process. Not much to report at this point. I've been reading "The Broken Cord" by Michael Dorris, as well as "Adopting The Hurt Child" by Keck and Kupecky. I am, once again, revising our profile book. We ordered a test copy and it was not quite right, some of the pictures were blurry and there was a typo!! So, that is all fixed and we should get all the rest of the copies (19 to be exact) in the next week or so.

I have been working on 2 more grant applications. All we have left is photocopying and then off they go.

We keep being blessed by tokens of love in the form of gift funds and smaller amounts raised through ongoing and one-time fundraisers and it is so encouraging. We're still a ways off from our goal, but it doesn't matter. We know this is all in the Lord's hands. We are willing to wait, if it means months, if it means years.

So for now, the most exciting thing that has happened is a phone call. When she called, I thought it could be it. It wasn't "it", but an interview from a grant foundation that we applied to. She didn't give any indication about the outcome, but said we would hear something more from them soon.

Not sure if this is worth reading, but for those of you who are waiting along with us, I know how hard the silence is. So I thought I would break it, even for mundane details. I enjoy getting any sort of email from my caseworker, just for the moment of not knowing what she's written, and savoring those brief seconds of expectation before they evaporate. So, here's to you, faithful reader. Enjoy it while it lasts!

Thoughts and Prayers

So, we continue in our adoption journey. As I was mentioning to a friend last night, it is the most difficult thing we have ever done. The paperwork, because of our unique set of circumstances, seems unending (I've filled out more applications for various agencies and grants than I care to count). The waiting is harrowing, the disappointments bitter. We knew this would be hard, though. And I've always been drawn to difficulty, it seems. It's part of the reason I'm a runner...the more effort it takes, the more reward you get in the end. But this is different from anything I've and we've ever done, because it's baby humans we're talking about. Baby humans in need of what we so desperately wish to share and give. The minute we got information about the first potential, we let our imaginations and hearts run too far ahead of us, because it seemed perfect, it seemed like it was meant to be. We won't be doing that anymore. It's just too hard and hurts too much.

But we're in it for the long haul, whether it's a few more weeks (miracle status scenario) or in the next year (hopefully??)

Not that this is all negative, to quote Oswald Chambers "The strength is in the strain." I find as we are in the process there are aspects that I feel strenthened and encouraged by. I love researching about adoption issues. I love reading and hearing others' adoption stories. I want to immerse myself in this world, I would love to dedicate my whole life to adopting my own, and then helping other families adopt. I believe that it is one of the most beautiful things in life, because it can bring about so much good, love and miracles. We hope to adopt domestically, from foster care and internationally. We hope to bring many more children into our family through adoption. I hate the process because of the uncertainty of everything. Where will the money come from? When will we know who are baby is? How much longer will we have to wait? But I love it because of what it's leading towards.

Being in this process is fascinating, absorbing and exhausting, especially when we have the realities of life constantly pounding down our door. We keep thinking life will get easier, and it doesn't. We try to figure things out, have a plan. And then we get our legs swept out from under us. I'm sure many of you reading this, if not most, can relate. But I came across this quote, also by Mr. Chambers "The saint is hilarious when he is crushed with difficulties because the thing is so ludicrously impossible to anyone but God." I can think of times in our life when we have faced circumstances so bewildering and so out of our control, that we laugh. Sometimes you just don't know what else to do. And then sometimes you cry. Suddenly the realization hits you that there's no way this works on paper. Even though you're straining, pulling muscles, falling down from fatigue, there's no way! And with wild abandon, you must throw yourself out into the unknown. That's where I feel we are right now. I know we'll land. Where, I do not know. But He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it. He's brought us into this desert for a purpose. And we hold fast to that.

There are some matters that we will be praying about, and if you feel so led, we would appreciate your prayers as well.
1. That our grant and loan applications would be successful
2. That we would know just what we can handle, as far as special needs
3. That the Lord would provide families for the two little boys I mentioned last post, and that if we are one of them, that we would know soon!
4. That the Lord would give us just what we need physically and spiritually

Heard anything yet? We get that question a few times a week. Unfortunately, we have no information of that good, come get this baby type, yet! We continue to pursue different avenues of networking. We have been in contact with and would love to be able to work with an agency that is located in NY that seems like a good fit for us. They subsidize adoption costs, without government funding! Our agency here in MN is most likely not going to be our placing agency, but rather a means of networking with other agencies. The casewokers at GCAA would love to work with more birth moms, but it is relatively new agency and can't afford to advertise. If we could work with this agency out east, it would greatly reduce the cost for us, as well as cut travel time down to a day or two. The wait would be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, and they only place 20 children a year, so mathematically speaking, it's still a long shot for us. We are trying not to "...wait in spiritual sulks because (we) cannot see an inch in front of (us)" O. Chambers. But we do get discouraged and frustrated. However, we know that God is pushing and prodding and blocking us for a reason, to direct us to a certain course that perhaps we would not choose on our own. And we believe that strength comes when we need it. We already love our baby, and that love buoys us on.

I heard today of a woman who's been waiting 5 years to adopt from China. Kind of puts me in a better, less whiny, frame of mind when I compare my two months to five long years of renewing home studies and getting older. All in good time.

We know there is a red thread attached to our hearts. We can't wait to see where it will lead!

Hugs and Kisses little one!

Update

Hello again! Here's a quick update. After about 3 or 4 weeks we have finally gotten some fresh "situations." Also, the baby from Alabama has found an adoptive family. Blessings to him:)

Here are the stats:
Male, 18 months
Florida
Some vision impairment, some special needs
Foster care, legally free for adoption

Male, 12 months
Florida
Some physical impairments
Foster care, legally free for adoption

Both these boys' case workers will be viewing our home study (not our profile)
Please pray that if one of these is ours that the Lord would show us and prepare us. The special needs of both are unspecified, we are trying to find out more about them. When we first began making plans to adopt, we wanted to do foster adoption, but were told that the age we were seeking was really almost impossible to find!! So it's interesting that God has brought this to our attention. Either way, these little boys have been in foster care way too long, and need to find loving homes. Please pray that they would find their way to forever homes soon!
Also, it would seem that God is telling us we most likely will end up with a boy (that's almost all we've seen come through so far!!) So, YAY!!!

Wild Olive Tees Adoption Fundraiser

Hey Folks!
This will be brief, I just wanted to explain that new button to the right---->
This is a fundraiser for our adoption. Here's how it works. You click on that button that says Help Bring Our Child Home, and it will bring you to the Wild Olive Tees website. You will have a few different T-Shirts to choose from, and when you check out, make sure you enter our family code in the coupon code box CHURCH0715, and a portion of the proceeds from the sale will go to our adoption! They are very stylish t-shirts, and I am going to order one soon! Please let me know if you have any questions!

Gratitude

First off, let me take care of the essentials...I should wait and tack them on at the end, so you read this whole entry, but I realize time is a precious commodity! So here we go...there is really nothing new going on with our adoption in regards to an actual child. We're still waiting to hear a final yes or no, on both situations. We haven't had a drop of information in about a week or more, so sorry, no good or bad news on that front.

What is new, is that our home study is now officially paid off!!! There is a long, boring story about why it has been such a big ordeal...taxes, vans, government shutdowns etc...but we are very grateful to have gotten that burden off of our backs!! Because of this, I will now be able to apply for two more adoption grants and one loan! This will make a total of three grants that we will be praying about. If we just happened to get them ALL we would be done (well, almost) fundraising! I'm really beginning to loathe that word:)

Something else new...I totally re-worked our profile book. I decided I wanted it to be more visually pleasing, but had no idea how to go about "making it pretty" since I am not a "scrapbooker" and most of my photos are in electronic form anyway (I do realize it would take significantly less magic than is possessed by a fairy godmother to transform them into paper but that's beside the point.) Anyway, the problem with making a "photo book" which you can find easily, is that they cost one whole arm to make, and then if you multiply that by 20 (that's how many books we will need!!!) you quickly run out of limbs. I, being the dogged pursuer of all things cheaper, kept searching until I found a website that allows you to only order the pages...cutting the end cost in half! Now, I do not want any of you to tell me that I could have gone to any photo website to do this, I just don't want to hear that, if that is the case, which I'm sure it isn't...

So, the official, paper version of our profile book should be done soon! Whether or not we will actually need it remains to be seen.

While I'm thinking of it, thanks so much for reading these posts, and for your comments! For some reason I can't reply with a comment of my own, but I love getting your feedback. It means a lot!

Ok, now to more gratitude...
I just want to thank God, in writing, for allowing us the privilege to be in the process of adoption. It is exciting, painful, risky and worth it. You become privy to information you wouldn't otherwise get, about children, birth parents, even birth grandparents. It allows us to pray and love these folks in a more vivid, passionate way, because these are real-life events, taking place now! I love being able to make informed petitions before the great throne of Grace. Also, I want to thank those who have sacrificed to further our cause. Some of you have spent hours and hours, even days to help out with raising funds. I will never, ever forget this. It is humbling and it is precious to us and you know who you are (all of you's.) Some of you have sacrificed time in creating, for Small Steps. Thank you, you have done a beautiful job, and I do believe there is a future for Small Steps beyond our adoption!!

And some of you have sacrificed in the form of dollars. The Lord has chosen to use people who are wealthy in love and kindness, not necessarily in a material way, to fuel this adoption, and we are so grateful. Another one of those ways in which God amazes us...I mean, seriously, aren't there enough rich people in the world, couldn't one of them just cover the cost easily in one fell swoop? But God has taken threads, small and large, thick and thin, to weave this tapestry of love. He is still weaving, and taking His time about it, but who are we that we should question our great and merciful Weaver? He alone knows the pattern, and perhaps the most precious and beautiful material is that which was gathered from the smallest store.

I love that God doesn't just take one of us that He's finished with and make photocopies of that one original. He takes the time to whittle away each rough edge, lovingly refining and sometimes replacing, to perfect each human "thrift store find." Taking each imperfect, highly flawed and sometimes contrary find, and transforming them into pure, Christ-like perfection. He adopts us into His family, and then raises us up to be and "look" just like His Son...Jesus. What a great God we serve, for He has not "left us as orphans" (John 13:18.) And let me just quote one more verse, because this really sums up where most of us that are Christ-followers, are "Not that I have already obtained it, or have already become perfect, but I press on in order that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14.

So, I/we continue to prayerfully run the race, to answer that upward call. Interspersed in this long marathon are many smaller races, one of which is this adoption. It's not easy, practical or predictable. But each day God has given me the strength to pull through a few more miles. With His grace, we will continue to the happy end of adoption, which is new baby Church. May He bless you in your race, wherever you are. "Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle." I am surrounded by warriors. I'm praying for you friends.

And mama is praying for you, baby Church. We miss you, even though we've never met you. We love you more than words can say. XOXOXO to infinity, you precious child.

P.S. Lu is much better this week...eating, speaking and smiling. It's nice to have "her" back!

**Recent News**
We just heard from our case worker that the FL situation is pretty much finished. The birth mom is refusing the make an adoption plan (really, after all this??) but she will not be granted custody of the child, so he could end up in foster care. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to us, but we have to accept what is.

Disappointment

This is a concept that we don't grasp early on in life. At least, I didn't. Life was exciting, fresh and new! The possibilities were endless and everything was interesting and thrilling. But as the years passed, and the tenderness of youth became hardened by many new experiences, where the build-up to an event didn't always match the event itself. And pretty soon, some things just weren't exciting anymore, because of the expected outcome of disappointment.

You would think that I would take these lessons and apply them to all aspects of adulthood. But, as a hopeful adoptive parent, I can't help but let my heart and imagination soar upon receiving an email saying that a particular agency wants to show our profile to a birth mom. We imagine what it would be like to have that child or children in the family, what all the kids would be like playing together, or smooshed in the back of the car, in their various car seats. The little faces, chubby, dimpled hands, voices...all a sweet dream. And then, in another electronically delivered message, spanning a few words or sentences, that dream is smashed like a bug on a window. And sometimes it takes a bit of "scrubbing" before I can get it off my mind, and off of my heart. No one means to hurt adoptive parents, and what really matters, in any of these situations, is the child and that he or she goes to the right home. However, there is pain, there is disappointment. And often, these feelings unexpressed or inexpressible, as it is so unique to the world of adoptive parents.

This has been a hard week for us. A dear friend was severely injured on Sunday evening. It is so hard to see this family we know and love suffer so immensely. It makes life uncomfortable, for everyone involved. Then, on Monday, my precious little girl suffered her own injury. It's painful, bloody and makes life very awkward and difficult for her. There again, as her mom, I have that uncomfortable feeling...all is not right, not even close, in our world. You know the feeling when you see an open wound? Slightly nauseated, your muscles get tense, and sore. Well, that's how I've felt all week. And I hate to sound like I'm having a pity party for myself, but other strands of difficulty and hardship are woven through what I have just mentioned that make these trials just a bit more difficult to bear. And now today, I have gotten word from my case worker that the FL birth mom has still not decided whether to place or not, but wants to see other family's profiles. We are still not officially out of the running, but this unexpected turn of events, in a situation that has been fraught with the unexpected, shouldn't have surprised me. But it did. Now we add rejection to all the other negative emotions, to land us in a pretty tough place. At this point, a definite no would be better. We're still chasing that dangling carrot, albeit quite a bit slower, and with faint hearts.

We, as humans, organize information is a finite way, meaning we have a limited means of understanding what is happening to us and around us. We can only hold, store and process a certain amount of the vastness that is out there in our world. I most likely will never know or understand all of the purpose behind disappointment. But I don't think it's to render us emotionless, so we never get excited or feel expectant joy! But perhaps, it's to re-direct us to the most exciting, most thrilling and fulfilling event that will ever happen. Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." Pain ends, sorrow ends, crying is no more. We will be united with our Heavenly Father forever and He will be everything we needed, wanted and expected Him to be and infinitely more. Those who know Him long for this glorious family reunion!

We hope and pray for better times soon. The Lord is teaching us to rely more fully and joyfully on Him. Apparently, we're not very fast learners. We seem to rocket from one trial to the next, most so personal, no one but us would ever know. We are tempted to question and get bitter. That's when we need to bury ourselves in God. Thinking, reading and learning about who He is erases our need for relief from earthly sorrows, because it makes them seem so temporary, like vapors.

As far as any other prospective situations for us, there is one. A baby boy, due in August in Alabama. We had to cap what we could do as far as placement fee, so they may reject that. We'll see what doors God closes or opens in this matter. If you would, please pray for this baby too. There is risk in this situation medically as well as from a sketchy birth father.

And to my little dream baby out there...Mama sends her love to you!!

"I hear the Savior say 'Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.'"

~From the hymn "Jesus Paid It All"

The Beginning

Well, here I am posting my first blog!! First and foremost, the title says it all, this is about our adoption and where God is leading us through it. I want to share our story, both to encourage others and to display the power and glory of our God who has and continues to open doors and lead us through this amazing network of challenge and blessing.

It all began as a thought I had about 11 years ago. The thought was, "Wow, there are a lot of kids that need homes." I knew that I could love any child that the Lord brought into my life. And I felt such a love and concern for those who had no one to protect and cherish them. Fast forward about 6 years, to the time when I was falling in love with a sweet boy from the neighborhood whom I'd been friends with for years. As we talked about life, love and marriage, we decided that we would make adoption a part of our life together.

Let's do a bit more time travelling to 2008...I was sweeping the pine flooring in a bedroom of our new, bigger home. Suddenly, it occurred to me that now we have a spare room. Why not find some-little-body to put there? What's to stop us?? I began researching and having discussions with my husband, Dan. We settled on domestic, waiting child adoption, meaning that we wanted to adopt a child that was in foster care. We made it as far as getting a pre-application approved. Then Dan lost his job and we had to shelve our dream for a few years.

Now it's 2011 and we are working with a great agency that we love, called God's Children Adoption Agency. We attended a meeting where we met our future case worker, who has been such a blessing to us. At this meeting, we found we needed to modify our adoption plan in order to adopt a child younger than Lu, which we thought best to do. We decided to do an infant adoption, and are very excited for the sweet one that the Lord will bring into our lives. We submitted our application in January and when it was approved, set to work on our home study, an extensive report, written by our case worker, outlining our childhood, personalities, home life and everything else you could possibly write about us! It was quite the process. We finished that project in May and received the news yesterday (June 27th) that our home study was approved.

Oh, and one more step in this whole process is the dreaded profile book. To some wonderful couple, this may actually be the fun part, to me, it was not so fun. You basically make a scrapbook of your family's life together, with a bit of biographical verbiage. I can write all day long, but I could not for the life of me find enough pictures that were current, with uncluttered backgrounds, that weren't blurry, or where each character was giving the camera it's deserved attention (meaning they weren't looking at the camera):) Not to mention dealing with a laptop that must have been made about the same time as the wheel came into common use...I'm still a little peeved about the whole matter. In the end, with much help from friends, family and my case worker, it finally came together, though the editing process will continue, as it remains in electronic form until we are sufficiently pleased enough by the result to mass produce it in print.

We like to call this part of the adventure the roller coaster. Since finishing our home study, we have had various emails, talking about "situations" of birth mothers who feel that they cannot parent, searching for adoptive parents for their children. Each situation has it's own bit of tragedy, and it pulls on our hearts every time. We have been using the phrase "our hearts are getting ahead of our brains" lately, because we just don't have the funds yet to even begin to think about some of these cases, as they are about double what we could scrape together. It's heartbreaking, but we know the Lord is in all of this and has a plan. Ok, typing that is easy, living it is painful and difficult.

So, here is a prayer request. Some of you reading this may know that we are in the process of being "viewed" by a birth mom, meaning she is looking at our profile book and deciding if we are the right family for her baby. The baby is born, a baby boy, with some, perhaps very significant, health needs. The birth mom is spending time with the baby, and as more time passes, I think she is having a very hard time making her decision. We have a special place for this little boy in our hearts already, and Lord willing, we would love to take him home. However, as the days pass, we feel it more and more unlikely that she will choose adoption. It is wonderful that she feels love for her baby and wants to keep him, but whether she is ready to parent, even she herself doubts at this point. The last thing I want is for her to give up her son if she is ready and able to give him a good life. Whether that is the case is what remains undetermined at this point, so we wait and continue to pray that, no matter where he goes, that his health would be good, that he would be healed and that he and his birth mom come to know Jesus.

Thank you for reading this, I will keep you all updated on all the latest in Our Adoption Adventure:)