I've changed the title of my blog.
On Monday, we're officially adding a member to our family. Only officially, as he was truly added when he was born, even though no one knew it.
So I feel the time has come to change the focus of my writing here. I've told my stories. Not saying there won't be more:) But now I want to share how MUCH God is teaching me through all this, and the little I have actually been able to learn.
I feel that we have been through the proverbial ringer in the last 7 months. Layers and layers of troubles. Or maybe another analogy would be a roller coaster, only, now, the excitement is exhausting.
Even in the last two months ALONE, we have lost a beloved grandmother, suddenly, had three pets die unexpectedly (this was really traumatizing on Lu, too much death for a 5 year old), had three viruses go through each member of the family, got in a car accident (minor), had major repairs to do on both vehicles, the wash machine broke down and was out of comission for weeks, had numerous doctor and pt appointments and one trip to the ER. The. Last. Two. Months.
Looking further back, we lost a grandfather, our first taste of the death of someone that close. And an ER trip with our tiny, new son. And a heartbreaking extended family rift that has gone unresolved.
This all on top of the frenetic busyness that in and of itself would have us snarling at each other.
And I've been burdened with guilt, feeling like the worst of repeat offenders when I lose patience or my temper with one, or all of my children. Well, I wonder why I may be a little on edge?
Each day, it seems, brings it's own set of trials. A sorrowful good-bye after a phone chat with a grieving relative. Worrying about added expenses from the latest breakdown. Missing a lost loved one. Wondering what the next trial will be. We can't see the toll of all of this because it is emotional, but methinks if I could see my soul right now, it would have some pretty gnarly scars.
I will interject here, we've had a few folks randomly or intentionally give us gifts that have helped tremendously. Thank you dear friends. It sort of makes me feel like a "missionary" of sorts, which feels weird but good!
Another layer, parenting a special needs child. Finn is delightful. He is precious, made in the image of God. He has the most gorgeous blue eyes I have ever seen. I wish that my only job since we brought him home had been attachment. Let me be honest, forming a close bond with a child is very difficult under stress. Even when they are as cute as my littlest love. And fitting in doctors appointments, PT practice almost every day, and constantly wondering what his future may look like, along with teaching piano lessons to 12 great students (including my girl) as well as homeschooling, is tremendously difficult. It makes my heart tight with stress and anger instead of being relaxed and welcoming.
I've had to use all the stockpile of knowledge I've gained throughout the years in creating attachment with my child. I am so thankful for all that research, the seminar, the videos, the many, many books. Adding a new member to our family, who is different, in so many ways, from any other child I have ever met, has taken every emotional and physical resource I posses.
There are times my fails have been epic. My sin nature was under the surface,more or less, till now. But I am ever, ever greatful my Savior has not left me there to rot. I am daily putting on patience, and learning, hopefully, to not just be calm, but to embrace joy.
A great outlet has been worship. I am blessed to be able to minister on our church worship team with 4 other great musicians. I lose myself in worship and find God, and this has been good for me, and for my kids.
Another thing that helps me keep sight of why we agreed to do this in the first place is watching documentaries, reading stories, watching films (highly recommend The Odd Life of Timothy Green) and connect (via social networking) with other adoptive, special needs families. Because when I start becoming ogre-mama it's because I've lost sight of this great task I have been given. Not to rush my kids to adulthood and then hurry them out the door to enjoy my retirement from parenthood. But to provide a warm, high structure, high nurture (thanks K. Purvis and others) environment, and to teach my kids about JESUS, and enjoy every second with them, in case they do ever leave:)
With a drug and alcohol exposed baby, the realiy of never being empty-nesters is there. It's a bit daunting. It spirals into different levels of how we interact. It shouldn't. But let's be real, here. It's new territory, and I am the first of anyone I know in my pier group to have a special needs kid.
Amazingly, thanks to our awsome God, if you ask me how I'm doing, I would say, honestly, good! I can handle this. No props to me. Of myself, I could not do this. Of God, I'm waiting for my next assignment. Send us to Africa to minister to orphans? Ok God. Take another SN baby(confession:I regularly check adoptuskids.org and rainbowkids, shhh...don't tell Dan)? Ok God. Embark on the crazy adventure of international adoption as soon as possible? Tell me when Lord! Never adopt again and minister to my family in an unremarkable way for the rest of my days? {GULP} ok God.
So, I'm techinically back to waiting:) I can't wait to see where Jesus will lead our family next. I know we can do ANYTHING, because He does EVERYTHING. Do we struggle tremendously in almost every way? Sure. But once I'm done running a half marathon, it's not like I never want to run again. I just need a little recovery time, but I am counting down the hours till I can be free and exhausted again.
I truly, truly believe that God has inspired, empowered, enabled and fortified us to do exactly. what. we're. doing. Because we're doing it! And I am convinced that no one could do this without God-empowerment.
How has adoption changed me? It's made me crabbier(that's the total exhaustion talking):) But I now know my outer limits, and am learning how to avoid situations that lead to failure. I think I have become quieter (ok becoming) I am learning how to talk about my philosophies on parenting and discipline, and how and when to shut up about it, or just shut up in general. Because it's no ones business or no one cares. I have become a harder worker, more self-sacrificing with time, and perhaps (hopefully temporarily)somewhat more pessimistic (we pessimists call is realism) More determind to actually get out there and do something about human suffering. More faith-filled. Uglier. Let's face it, I don't have time to spend on beauty! More full of dreams. Braver. Reckless, in a good way. More compassionate. More patient. More loving. I have learned what unconditional love is, emptying of self. It's not based on conditions. Not on blood, not on attraction, not on any benefit to me. Just in the need in another human being for love. It's opened me, broken me, shamed me, inspired me, strengthened me, taught me, refined me, through the Master's hands, as nothing else ever could have.
My family is the best gift God ever gave me, outside of salvation. My children are amazing. We needed each one. I feel we need more. I know more need us. 160,000,000 orphans and we worry about our retirement, our debt, our clothes, our hair, our homes decor, our vehicle, our free time, our vacation, our need to be right, our pleasure. What? Do you know what those 160,000,000 worry about? Living.
It is stupid to worry about material wealth or things. Stewardship is essential. Possesion is not. How troubled I am for our future. How troubled I am for our children. I will never stop working, running, towards this goal. 0.
"There is no passion to be found in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." Nelson Mandela
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Mahatma Gandhi
"Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk." Dalai Lama
"If you can't feed a hundred people then just feed one." Mother Teresa
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