Because if we are well-bonded with our children, it enhances our ability, as parents, to be patient, forgiving and intentional
Some practical tips for ME, and whomever else may find this helpful!
1. Bonding happens through touch! Sometimes this happens automatically, and sometimes it must be intentional, to build up that bond. Add hugs, kisses, caresses and tickles to rituals throughout your day. Hugs and kisses before naptime, tickles after physical therapy (which is not always a fun time, so add some!), lotion after bath time, little back rubs when they ask to be held.
Try to give 12 hugs to each kid per day! I just learned recently in a webinar by Susan Orban that that is what it takes, for healthy emotional growth. Who knew? What a great assignment!
2. Lots of positive eye contact. Soft eyes and smile! Remember to message them, "You are precious, you are loved, you are important to me!" with your eyes. Too often we message disappointment (after wrong behavior), anger and frustration. Perhaps we even message our own stress unconsciously, which may look like rejection to our kids. Another thing I learned in the webinar is that our kids are a mood mirror to us as parents and caregivers. Kids acting crazy? How are YOU feeling?
3. Spend one-on-one time. My experience is that this is hard once you have three or more. I like to have a special lunch time with my 6 year old, while the boys nap. Today we went outside, in the shade. It was so nice!
4. Be so careful of your voice tone. Our voices are so expressive. Are they expressing stress, anger, frustration? Or does our tone imply love, nurture, competence? Out of control, loud, angry voices do NOT message competence to our kids. And expecting them to be calm when we are barely containing our frustration is ridiculous!
5. Find reasons to praise your children. Older kids can be praised for achievements, or for showing good character traits! Little kids can too! And everyone likes to be told they're cute and why, sometimes:)
6. Even though babies grow up, or toddlers come home acting grown up, and can feed themselves, take opportunities to feed them. Sometimes I cut up butter toast and feed little pieces to the boys. You could use anything, I prefer the not-too-messy route!
7. Know your own vulnerabilities...mine are when I'm really tired or when something doesn't go as planned. For instance, I tend to get testy if my normally super sleepers don't fall asleep, or wake up cranky! Knowing this going into a tense situation allows me to be on the alert for "short wick syndrome" that could shake attachment and trust. Taking a deep breath, sitting down, turning on music, all are better alternatives for that moment than letting lose the temper.
8. Remember that something beautiful, cute, funny, endearing and sweet could be just around the corner! In those moments when someone pulls something off a table and it breaks, throws a mouth-full of food on the floor just for fun or pushes a sibling, I try to remind myself this, because it is always true. The tough moments are usually blinks in time, and then happy times return.
9. Focus on God's attributes. He tells us He loves us in a million ways, and that He will never leave us or forsake us. He not only tends to us unruly and forgetful as we are, but made the ultimate sacrifice for us. May we, as parents, especially special needs parents, hold onto this truth. Love is unconditional. Period.
10. Be thankful. Ann Voskamp says in her book "1,000 Gifts" that joy comes from thankfulness and only you can suffocate your own joy. In all things give thanks.
Remember that we all live before the Lord, constantly. He is there to help, moms and dads. He loves us when we don't deserve it, and shows mercy and compassion to a marvelous extent. Don't turn around and deprive your children of the love that we ourselves are being shown.
