Candid

I feel that in our last placement of a sibling group of three children, with four originals in the home, we garner a lot more attention and reactions from those we encounter on a daily basis. Part of me gets it...I even think I'm a little out of my element some days. But the other part of me is like, dude, I have seven kids, big whoop. Cuz they're all in bed right now and I find as the dust settles, really, everything is ok.

In the end, isn't that what you want for your family? The feeling of peace as everyone is settled into their beds that all is well? It's hard, I'll give you that. But it's doable!!

Rewind 9 weeks and a few days, just for some perspective. Just hours post placement. Like 5 maybe. Terror. What have we done??? Anxiety like a giant elephant, positioned on chest. Why did we think we could do this???

As each day passes, more and more peace settles into the cracks and crevices of our souls, and the souls of 7 littles ones who live here.

Somehow, we make it through the first week and realize it's getting easier. Then another week goes by. Then another. Pretty soon, like a baby standing playing with a toy, not realizing he's balancing on his own, we are going hours and days without wondering how we're going to do this. We're just doing it.

Yes, there was a bit of paperwork. A few meetings. A court date, with more to come. Uncomfortable moments that you just get used to.

But somehow we still manage to homeschool (we're always a bit behind) and run a household (it's 100% clean 0% of the time.)

And the reality is just that there's a lot we have to say no to. During this season of cocooning and bonding that means no even to some family events, which is emotionally difficult as we have wonderful extended families, but so necessary, both for our sanity and for our kids emotional well being.

A window into my day, let's take today for example. This is how we do.

6:30 get up for a few moments of reading, prayer and coffee.

7:00 make a bottle and a big ol pot of oatmeal, set out bowls, spoons and cups, maybe empty the dishwasher quick...

7:20 wake up hardest sleeper, Sleeping Beauty, who happens to be the first to leave for school

7:30 allow the early risers to finally get up, do Sleeping Beauty's hair, feed baby, feed hungry hoard, keep peace at table of 6 wild banshees wonderful children.

8:00 cajole first leaver into coat, hat, mittens, boots and backpack, while keeping peace between the other six, all the while keeping an eye out for the wily bus that shows up mercurially in a 20 minute window

8:13 deliver said child to bus, hope my hair doesn't reveal too much of inner state, as I have not looked into the mirror yet today, later realize day-old make up and hair both reveal inner state

8:15 take a bite, grab baby before he pulls that thing down that he shouldn't touch, take another bite break up boy fight, take another bite, remember I should check K's backpack, forget I was eating and start washing dishes, remember, take another bite, jump up to remove object from baby's mouth, etc...

8:30 load dishwasher while running after baby constantly, finally put him in exasaucer...peace reigns for 7 seconds

8:45 have you ever tried to get a 6 year old to get ready for school when he just wants to stay home and play with his brothers??

8:55 bribe Conscientious School Objector into his ride to school
get ready to leave with one year old to go to a meeting with teachers and staff at school

9:10 chat with babysitter, leave

9:30 meeting with important school people, pretend to be calm and in control of everything while wiping spit up off my shirt and the floor and drool from their table...

10:10 arrive home

10:20 start homeschooling

11:30 run outside to get Sleeping Beauty from the bus, make lunch, read science

12:30 do dishes

1:00-4:00 homeschool, have afternoon coffee survival ration, sneak chocolate when kids aren't watching

4:00 make a bottle for baby, turn on the TV for the kids that will actually sit and watch it....because I'm human, that's why

4:10 make dinner

4:15 check what time it is to see if hubby is off work yet

4:18 check watch to see if it's 4:30 yet

4:23 check watch, still not 4:30...

4:25 resign self to the fact that he will NEVER BE HOME

4:30 at least he's on his way home now

5:05 check phone for text from hubby

5:10 look longingly at empty driveway

5:12 (I'm ashamed to admit)

5:17 (Stop reading crazy lady post)

5:22 Really? FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING WHERE IS THAT MAN????

5:23 (Plotting revenge)

5:24 Cute little gold car pulls into driveway, get off couch and pretend I haven't been scanning the region directly in front of the house like a veritable eagle of desperation

5:30 Dinner, aka training feral
sweet and rambunctious children to eat like human beings that were born into civilization with good manners.

6:15 clean kitchen, but wonder why I bother, in twelve hours it will be a disaster, remember oh yeah, we won't have anything to eat on if I don't...

7:30 happy dance, bed time;)

Life is relentless. Stuff keeps coming at you. Appointments, decisions. It gets complicated dealing with all the legalities, wondering what if and remembering that they're not mine yet. There is risk and there is the cost. But the fact is that regular life would bore me to insanity. Literally. Challenge is good for me, and I daresay, good for most of us. Push yourself. Say the hard yes. If God be for you, who could possibly be against you? I mean really, who???

Because mixed in between the crazy is "mom I love you" and quietly playing for 30 minutes with no brawls!!!! And stick figure moms with heart shapes. Teachers amazed at good behavior after so much trauma. And God bless this stingy Midwest Spring because if it's sunny (about every 10 days or so) and above 45 degrees they think it's summer and ride their bikes around as happy as could be, with no shirts on (the boys I'm talking about here.)

And walks in the woods in the rain, with cold fingers but warm hearts.

Grace For The Day

Sometimes you go around a bend in the road and come upon a need that you just can't ignore. This happened to us. There were these three children. Precious, wounded, needing so many, many things. They had been living as a foster placement with our relatives. We got a chance to know them, their voices, their likes and dislikes, their unique needs. We knew the county was looking for a concurrent placement for them, a place they could stay forever, if...

We felt a very imperative concern. We had many, many late night conversations, and prayed many desperate prayers. Could this be His will for us? Would He lead us to such a cliff of possibilities? Would He give us the wings we would need to navigate such a complex, challenging, heart-wrenching shift to our comfortable life with four kids?

Three more kids, K boy age 6, K girl age 5 and J baby boy, 10 months. Not just any kids, kids with trauma, deep and raw. I felt very certain, from the first little ripple of thought surrounding this possibility that no, I could not do this. Of my own ability, energy and wisdom, I simply could not.

Three weeks in, after K's therapist tells us he doesn't need him any more, he is doing 75% better coping with life, I am convinced...this is not of us. God has shown us so much grace, He is healing these children, somehow, through us, flaws and all.

We went from a family of 6 to a family of 9 and we're starting to thrive. Amazing. This was our path, laid out by the Master Planner.

Before we said "Yes", I tried to find some grand sign that this was meant to be. I needed to make sure I wasn't certifiably insane to even consider it. I didn't want to ruin my kids' life...no, really, I didn't want to ruin mine. We were comfortable. We slept well each night, our house was reasonably tidy, I was keeping up. We had four perfect/imperfect children who did what we asked (mostly), played happily (with occasional fights) and were, generally, doing great.

I have long been a strong pro-life advocate. And I have heard the criticism that people like me, Christian, conservative, a group that has the audacity to believe that life is sacred, no matter what...don't care about the babies once they become "unwanted kids." We just want babies to be born, we don't care what happens to them once they're here. And many of us don't put any shoulder behind our belief, it's true (although more and more are becoming aware and finding ways to help those of us who can adopt!)

Dan and I have never taken the easiest path when it came to adoption, for this very reason. Our third child came home with many health issues; we took a risk. Adopting a four-year-old from Uganda was no easy task. Saying yes to three more children when we live in a 1500 square foot home, on a single income, when we already have 4 that are homeschooled, was not an easy decision. It was a risk. But these are children. Their souls will live forever. They are some of God's perfect creation.

The big sign I was so longing for, the slamming door or the giant yes spelled out in the stars, did not come. It was simply a series of small steps revealing themselves to us, and a string around our hearts that kept pulling and pulling us forward.

We say we believe in the sanctity of life. We say we believe in a God who turned water into dry land, water into wine and fed thousands on a few loaves and fish. How could we say no? How could we say this was impossible?

They needed a family; we needed them. I am already seeing how the yes has transformed OUR life. Yes there are challenges. Battles over the souls of these little ones. We are tenacious; we won't give up. We have lost sleep. We have dealt with fear, anxiety, discomfort. When more passengers get on, the little boat is rocked. But we are learning how to sail our little ship.

I couldn't be more convinced that this is where God has led us. I wasn't sure at first but now I am. The signs continue to be small. A genuine smile. Hearing a sweet tone in the voice as he sings. Wet but welcome kisses. Fast crawling and arms upreached when mama gets home. Sharing treasured treats with mama. Even though I'm not yet mama, in their hearts.

This relationship is still tenuous. And there are no guarantees yet that it is permanent. But it doesn't matter as much as I thought it would. Maybe that's a sign in itself, I don't know. I hope this is a forever, but it's not up to me.

We have felt incredibly supported by our different communities and that has made a world of difference. Even though, I know, most of them heard our news and watched us take this step with a mixture of shock and concern.

I am so thankful for the meals that have been so carefully prepared with so much respect for our unique food culture here. I know not everyone can relate to needing to be so careful with food, nonetheless, we have been so well cared for with food, I just can't even find words for this grace. Our church, friends, adoption support group and family were so quick to step in and help, so much love poured out. Blessing upon blessing to us. Even when I know, they all secretly think we're crazy:)

We are thankful for our wonderful friends and family.
For a larger vehicle that carries all of us, and happens to be black, my favorite car color
For a chubby cherub who loves with all his little self and fills early mornings with smiles and kisses
For the beginnings of trust and attachment
For a sweet greeting from siblings, even when hours before there were angry words and frustration boiling over the edges
For a taste of Spring in a month when winter still holds it's claim

Life is not perfect, it is not easy, it is not always fun for us. But I really don't think that's what it's supposed to be, when you're living to the fullest. We would miss out on so much of God's grace if we never put ourselves in a position of needing it. This is just a path deeper into His heart. We are just getting the opportunity to know Him more. He gives us the grace we need for each day. We try not to get too caught up on what comes after that.

As eluded to before, there are still unknowns. But we don't look back. And really, seven is only a number. It's not daunting, or formidable. Just a few little people who were meant to be all together. And it works. And we'll see what is around the next bend for us.