Sometimes you go around a bend in the road and come upon a need that you just can't ignore. This happened to us. There were these three children. Precious, wounded, needing so many, many things. They had been living as a foster placement with our relatives. We got a chance to know them, their voices, their likes and dislikes, their unique needs. We knew the county was looking for a concurrent placement for them, a place they could stay forever, if...
We felt a very imperative concern. We had many, many late night conversations, and prayed many desperate prayers. Could this be His will for us? Would He lead us to such a cliff of possibilities? Would He give us the wings we would need to navigate such a complex, challenging, heart-wrenching shift to our comfortable life with four kids?
Three more kids, K boy age 6, K girl age 5 and J baby boy, 10 months. Not just any kids, kids with trauma, deep and raw. I felt very certain, from the first little ripple of thought surrounding this possibility that no, I could not do this. Of my own ability, energy and wisdom, I simply could not.
Three weeks in, after K's therapist tells us he doesn't need him any more, he is doing 75% better coping with life, I am convinced...this is not of us. God has shown us so much grace, He is healing these children, somehow, through us, flaws and all.
We went from a family of 6 to a family of 9 and we're starting to thrive. Amazing. This was our path, laid out by the Master Planner.
Before we said "Yes", I tried to find some grand sign that this was meant to be. I needed to make sure I wasn't certifiably insane to even consider it. I didn't want to ruin my kids' life...no, really, I didn't want to ruin mine. We were comfortable. We slept well each night, our house was reasonably tidy, I was keeping up. We had four perfect/imperfect children who did what we asked (mostly), played happily (with occasional fights) and were, generally, doing great.
I have long been a strong pro-life advocate. And I have heard the criticism that people like me, Christian, conservative, a group that has the audacity to believe that life is sacred, no matter what...don't care about the babies once they become "unwanted kids." We just want babies to be born, we don't care what happens to them once they're here. And many of us don't put any shoulder behind our belief, it's true (although more and more are becoming aware and finding ways to help those of us who can adopt!)
Dan and I have never taken the easiest path when it came to adoption, for this very reason. Our third child came home with many health issues; we took a risk. Adopting a four-year-old from Uganda was no easy task. Saying yes to three more children when we live in a 1500 square foot home, on a single income, when we already have 4 that are homeschooled, was not an easy decision. It was a risk. But these are children. Their souls will live forever. They are some of God's perfect creation.
The big sign I was so longing for, the slamming door or the giant yes spelled out in the stars, did not come. It was simply a series of small steps revealing themselves to us, and a string around our hearts that kept pulling and pulling us forward.
We say we believe in the sanctity of life. We say we believe in a God who turned water into dry land, water into wine and fed thousands on a few loaves and fish. How could we say no? How could we say this was impossible?
They needed a family; we needed them. I am already seeing how the yes has transformed OUR life. Yes there are challenges. Battles over the souls of these little ones. We are tenacious; we won't give up. We have lost sleep. We have dealt with fear, anxiety, discomfort. When more passengers get on, the little boat is rocked. But we are learning how to sail our little ship.
I couldn't be more convinced that this is where God has led us. I wasn't sure at first but now I am. The signs continue to be small. A genuine smile. Hearing a sweet tone in the voice as he sings. Wet but welcome kisses. Fast crawling and arms upreached when mama gets home. Sharing treasured treats with mama. Even though I'm not yet mama, in their hearts.
This relationship is still tenuous. And there are no guarantees yet that it is permanent. But it doesn't matter as much as I thought it would. Maybe that's a sign in itself, I don't know. I hope this is a forever, but it's not up to me.
We have felt incredibly supported by our different communities and that has made a world of difference. Even though, I know, most of them heard our news and watched us take this step with a mixture of shock and concern.
I am so thankful for the meals that have been so carefully prepared with so much respect for our unique food culture here. I know not everyone can relate to needing to be so careful with food, nonetheless, we have been so well cared for with food, I just can't even find words for this grace. Our church, friends, adoption support group and family were so quick to step in and help, so much love poured out. Blessing upon blessing to us. Even when I know, they all secretly think we're crazy:)
We are thankful for our wonderful friends and family.
For a larger vehicle that carries all of us, and happens to be black, my favorite car color
For a chubby cherub who loves with all his little self and fills early mornings with smiles and kisses
For the beginnings of trust and attachment
For a sweet greeting from siblings, even when hours before there were angry words and frustration boiling over the edges
For a taste of Spring in a month when winter still holds it's claim
Life is not perfect, it is not easy, it is not always fun for us. But I really don't think that's what it's supposed to be, when you're living to the fullest. We would miss out on so much of God's grace if we never put ourselves in a position of needing it. This is just a path deeper into His heart. We are just getting the opportunity to know Him more. He gives us the grace we need for each day. We try not to get too caught up on what comes after that.
As eluded to before, there are still unknowns. But we don't look back. And really, seven is only a number. It's not daunting, or formidable. Just a few little people who were meant to be all together. And it works. And we'll see what is around the next bend for us.
