Disappointment

This is a concept that we don't grasp early on in life. At least, I didn't. Life was exciting, fresh and new! The possibilities were endless and everything was interesting and thrilling. But as the years passed, and the tenderness of youth became hardened by many new experiences, where the build-up to an event didn't always match the event itself. And pretty soon, some things just weren't exciting anymore, because of the expected outcome of disappointment.

You would think that I would take these lessons and apply them to all aspects of adulthood. But, as a hopeful adoptive parent, I can't help but let my heart and imagination soar upon receiving an email saying that a particular agency wants to show our profile to a birth mom. We imagine what it would be like to have that child or children in the family, what all the kids would be like playing together, or smooshed in the back of the car, in their various car seats. The little faces, chubby, dimpled hands, voices...all a sweet dream. And then, in another electronically delivered message, spanning a few words or sentences, that dream is smashed like a bug on a window. And sometimes it takes a bit of "scrubbing" before I can get it off my mind, and off of my heart. No one means to hurt adoptive parents, and what really matters, in any of these situations, is the child and that he or she goes to the right home. However, there is pain, there is disappointment. And often, these feelings unexpressed or inexpressible, as it is so unique to the world of adoptive parents.

This has been a hard week for us. A dear friend was severely injured on Sunday evening. It is so hard to see this family we know and love suffer so immensely. It makes life uncomfortable, for everyone involved. Then, on Monday, my precious little girl suffered her own injury. It's painful, bloody and makes life very awkward and difficult for her. There again, as her mom, I have that uncomfortable feeling...all is not right, not even close, in our world. You know the feeling when you see an open wound? Slightly nauseated, your muscles get tense, and sore. Well, that's how I've felt all week. And I hate to sound like I'm having a pity party for myself, but other strands of difficulty and hardship are woven through what I have just mentioned that make these trials just a bit more difficult to bear. And now today, I have gotten word from my case worker that the FL birth mom has still not decided whether to place or not, but wants to see other family's profiles. We are still not officially out of the running, but this unexpected turn of events, in a situation that has been fraught with the unexpected, shouldn't have surprised me. But it did. Now we add rejection to all the other negative emotions, to land us in a pretty tough place. At this point, a definite no would be better. We're still chasing that dangling carrot, albeit quite a bit slower, and with faint hearts.

We, as humans, organize information is a finite way, meaning we have a limited means of understanding what is happening to us and around us. We can only hold, store and process a certain amount of the vastness that is out there in our world. I most likely will never know or understand all of the purpose behind disappointment. But I don't think it's to render us emotionless, so we never get excited or feel expectant joy! But perhaps, it's to re-direct us to the most exciting, most thrilling and fulfilling event that will ever happen. Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." Pain ends, sorrow ends, crying is no more. We will be united with our Heavenly Father forever and He will be everything we needed, wanted and expected Him to be and infinitely more. Those who know Him long for this glorious family reunion!

We hope and pray for better times soon. The Lord is teaching us to rely more fully and joyfully on Him. Apparently, we're not very fast learners. We seem to rocket from one trial to the next, most so personal, no one but us would ever know. We are tempted to question and get bitter. That's when we need to bury ourselves in God. Thinking, reading and learning about who He is erases our need for relief from earthly sorrows, because it makes them seem so temporary, like vapors.

As far as any other prospective situations for us, there is one. A baby boy, due in August in Alabama. We had to cap what we could do as far as placement fee, so they may reject that. We'll see what doors God closes or opens in this matter. If you would, please pray for this baby too. There is risk in this situation medically as well as from a sketchy birth father.

And to my little dream baby out there...Mama sends her love to you!!

"I hear the Savior say 'Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.'"

~From the hymn "Jesus Paid It All"