Six Months In

Ah, it has been quite a while since my last post. Life has been moving with dizzying speed, and I have done my best to keep up and stay sane...judging by my house and my hair style right now, perhaps not very successfully.

We have now been a family of 6 for nearly six months. Beginning in a sunny, energetic and exhausting region of East Africa and finally making our way back to the vanilla pudding Midwest after 11 weeks in country, we have had moments of triumph, moments of utter failure and have learned a ton.

It's been on my heart to encourage other parents preparing for and living this reality along with us. As we have gone deeper into the jungle that is adoption, from transracial, domestic infant, to special needs, to international special needs, we have stretched and sometimes broken in ways we never anticipated, although we did all the required training and reading, and then did more. The truth is, with human beings, their is a dynamic unique to each individual. You just can't know what your kid will "be like" or how you will respond.

The one single piece of advice I would have liked pounded into my head pre-adoptions 2 and 3 would be...Give grace. Give grace to yourself. Don't put pressure on yourself at first. I was so quick to re-enter life because I had been gone for so long. I should have taken much more time to heal. The reality is that bringing home a new kiddo, especially an older one, in my experience, can be demolishing. It can rip you apart, temporarily. You need time to solidify yourself and your family members, as a family. We were in a hurry to get back to life, we should have taken more time.

In discipline, give grace. To the new kid and the old kids. This is seriously hard on kiddos. Especially if extended travel is involved. And it's going to manifest itself in weird ways, that take you off guard, and might make you angry! Let's be real, not sleeping, a lot of extra crying, accidents, whining, doing mean things they never did before. This might be your reality for a while. Brace yourself. BUT! The more grace you're giving yourself (i.e. ignoring comments about "we can't wait to see you"!!!!(so well meant, full of love, but for a people pleaser, more like a command), "do you need a maid"? (now I am self-conscious about another realm of my life), or the myriad of inner thoughts of "I shoulds")the better your mental health. Sane people can handle crazy. Crazy people get more crazy from crazy. Can I get an "Amen."???

Now, let me take a step back and declare that there have been millions of wonderful moments amidst the struggles. Getting about 400 million hugs and kisses per day per little one (confession: I wipe the wet ones off, sensory overload). Family outings (most of my kids behave 140% better in public ((except at church)), go figure). Seeing my kids read to each other, play house together, imagine together, hug and kiss each other. Genuine love and friendship. Priceless. Seeing my oldest step up and become a leader, helper and encourager. Watching how the Lord transforms me as a mom. Relishing my marriage (because he's the only sane person in the house, and us crazies are all his fanpeople.) I could go on and on. I could characterize our days as a roller coaster still. We have really low moments, and really high. But truly, things are evening out here. Even though it's January. In the Midwest.

Some mean curious people have asked me if I would ever "do it again." When I think back to the fear, the loneliness, the anxiety that was more intense than I have ever known, the feeling of never really being able to relax, the 7 days in hospital with a very sick child, the 2 days of travel home...I would say, basically, you know, the logical answer is.....yes. Maybe not next year, maybe not in 5 years, but yes. Looking back, it was so, so hard. The hardest thing I've ever done. And being home is also the hardest thing I've ever done, as a matter of fact. BUT when I look at my girl, with all the diagnoses, all the unknowns, all the special needs, underneath all that is a little kid with grit and spunk, more personality than 50% of the world population combined, brilliant and cunning survival skills, resiliency that brought her through what would most likely crush you and I. I get to know her, and what's more, I get to be her mom! This is a gift. Don't we have to work hardest for the biggest treasures? I know, I know, you can't earn a gift, but many who have adopted know this, that there are no guarantees. So yes, a gift.

Some last words to parents who are raising kids from really, really hard places.
Don't give up. I fail, you fail, we make little mistakes, we make big mistakes. Hang in there. Forgive yourself, move on.
Smile. Even if it's a fake one. It still helps. Science backs me up here.
Hug your kids.
Be you. God gave you this particular child because they needed you and you needed them. Don't try to be someone you're not, use your strengths to build up your child.
Grow.
Meditate.
Relax.
Do things that you love. This will be good for your kids and you.
Remember, this too shall pass. Try to savor the moments, or at least, just hang on and do your best.
Push out what detracts, hurts, stresses.
Embrace what is healing and refreshing.
Fill your space with sensory pleasing sights, smells, feels and tastes.
Pray that the Lord fills you so you have something to give.
When dealing with the trauma-crazy, pray first.

Good thing there isn't a video camera in my house, showing me not taking my own advice. So. Much. Room. To. Grow. I do not, in any way, claim to be an expert. I'm telling my story and basically reminding myself of things I should be doing. If you are able to glean anything from these ramblings, well, good.