Reckless Love

I'm hungry.

It's the end of the day. I put my earbuds in because I need to drown out the noise of stress. And inevitably the music inspires me to seek deeper than entertainment.

Groceries are running low, and dinner was leftovers and stuff from the pantry...no junk food in sight, I need to get to the grocery store, so, I'm hungry.

Beyond physical hunger, which is good to feel sometimes, I feel a deep, driving, ceaseless hunger that is just as persistent as the gnawing I feel in my body. It drives me to unnatural behavior, just like not having a ton of food to choose from makes me seek out alternatives to eat, like canned corn (gag.)

Behavior like eye-devouring photos of a culture so foreign to anything I've ever know, it's ridiculous. Behavior like seeking out music from another continent, just so I feel closer to that people. Behavior like dreaming of leaving the comfort of my American bubble to do something real.

I was dwelling today on how having one big, faith-stretching event experienced in life doesn't mean we're done. One race completed doesn't mean a life of ease ever after. I trusted God to help us bring home our first born-far-away angel. I trusted him more the next time, but, in a way, it was easier to make that decision. The trial itself was not easier, but quicker. Maybe something like birthing a second child the biological way seems to, in general, be a speedier process,though by no means easy.

I am a runner. And I'm hungry. I'm hungry for the road again. I'm not talking about shoes, wind and road. Running is such a metaphor for my life! I'm hungry to dig deeper. To give more. To add another sweet soul to our family, perhaps? But this time, perhaps the call is coming from a farther distance.

What is it? Why am I singing the songs of a people I don't know? Why is my heart pulled away from this place that keeps me so safe?

I hear you, nay-sayer. For your kind live in me too. Do I simply love a thrill? The excitement? The laud, gifts, kind words, admiring sentiments? The exotic? The simple fact that it's more difficult? Why can't I be content, settle down, be filled with what is here. Is God pulling me, or am I trying really hard to push Him?

One thing I know. Adoption is not ever easy. I am familiar, acquainted and intimate with many of the emotional, physical and spiritual stresses of adoption.

But I am enchanted by it, too. Even after two completed adoptions. Even weathering many little squalls, I'm still all in. Still starry-eyed, though bleary-eyed too.

"If you then would live to Christ's glory, and be happy in His service, seek to be filled with the spirit of adoption more and more completely, till perfect love shall cast out fear."-Spurgeon (I do realize I quote him quite a lot)

One thought that keeps resurfacing with me and my inner dialogue/debate over intent, is this. Why would God allow/give a desire to help when the need is SO great and not want/will us to act? And if He does give the desire, would He give it and not match it with ability to quench it, when what is desired is to fill a void that is millions of souls deep? And if He gives the desire, and loves those precious motherless with a passion that I can't even approach, won't He provide the means? Why not now?

I fully realize I am not the only soul with eyes aflame with desire to aid. Many, many families wait, wait, wait to fully fund their adoption. Help God! Supply the need! Open your Big Hands to our gaping, wounded world. You command us to love, and love is an action. Let us act!

I challenge you, reader, whoever you may be. Re-think that expensive indulgence. Why not invest in a soul? Your gift, large or small, means a child could be one step closer to her forever family. Isn't that more important, when whatever you are about to buy will be consumed/rot/fray/dissolve/rust? What are we doing? God help us to see what is. The shadows that move beyond what is felt and seen are our eternal reality. The intagible is our only forever. This is just the jumping-off spot.

I want to love recklessly.

Chasing Joy

Emotions are deceptive, sometimes. To me, joy isn't always an emotion. It's a choice. I choose to pursue it and capture it. It's hard sometimes. And that is ok.

At times, joy does come in big, sweeping waves, like when you bring a new child home, or something like that. Sometimes, we have to look for joy under the rocks of life. Life gets a bit rocky.

Lists are good. I'm keeping track of my joy, today.

~The thought that SPRING IS COMING!!!!!

~The return of daylight that lasts long enough so that I can run again.

~My kids wrestling and giggling.

~Listening to music.

~Observing character traits developing in my 5-year-old...like wanting to be helpful.

~Seeing my son's little, impish grin.

~Lemon bars.

~Singing to Jesus.


I am one of those people that likes a challenge. Ha. Never could have guessed, right? My life is challenging. So, that makes it a struggle sometimes, but when things go well, it is very rewarding.

Our life seems risky too, but is it? The notion of throwing oneself upon the will of an unseen Deity and choosing to follow the leading of the Wind of His will, well, it makes me breathless. But, as we were reminded last night by Spurgeon's inspired words, it really is the safest place to be. Following His will. The safest place in life.

I'm not sure how we're perceived from the outside. Foolish? Martyrs? Saints? Crazy? But no matter how little sense it makes, we have to do what we're sure is right. Me staying home...right. Homeschooling, right. Adopting, right. Easy, nope. Have it all figured out, NO! Still make mistakes, yep. Still feel like a rookie, yep.

I hope someday that I can give good advice to other adoptive parents. After all, what good is experience if it doesn't age well with the benefit of wisdom. I hope to be able to digest what I've learned and have it make sense to me and with it bless my children. For now, I'm still figuring it all out. I like the gathering of knowledge. I do pray for wisdom. I do wonder what the future holds, what are we being prepared for?

What I've learned this week? Your best is good enough, even if it's not perfect. You're succeeding at something, hold onto that. Let unrealistic expectations go, keep doing the right thing.


I read this today and found it brilliantly encouraging.

"Let all thy glorying and confidence be in Christ and His strength, for only so canst thou be kept from falling. Be much more in prayer. Spend longer time in holy adoration(worship). Read the scriptures more earnestly and constantly. Watch your lives more carefully. Live nearer to God. Take the best examples for your pattern. Let your conversation be redolent of Heaven. Let your hearts be perfumed with affection for (everyone's) souls. So live that (they) may take knowledge of you that you have been with Jesus, and have learned of Him; and when that happy day shall come, when He whom you love shall say, "Come up higher", may it be your happiness to hear Him say, "Thou hast fought a good fight, thou hast finished thy course, and henceforth there is laid up for thee a crown of righteousness which fadeth not away"
-C.H. Spurgeon, from "Morning and Evening"

Isn't that beautiful? I don't know how much time I have left. I need every minute to count. I need to go full bore. I can't wait till I'm older/wiser/richer/unbusier to grow my family. The time is now.

Source: serialthriller.com via Gina on Pinterest

Finally Finalized

On Monday, March 4th we were supposed to get a huge snow fall. We were also supposed to get a phone call at 8 a.m. from a Texas judge. Neither of these events took place when expected.

Early Monday morning I kept waking up and checking the time. I worried that I would "forget" and miss the phone call that would make my little boy mine forever. What a strange thing. I got up around 7:15 and fed the boys, so they would be content during our chat with the judge and attorneys.

At 7:45 I yelled for Dan to get up. It could be any minute now. 7:56...nothing. 8 on the dot...nothing. Should we call the attorney? I called them around 8:15, not open yet. AHH!!! Had they forgotten us? I hadn't heard from anyone at all in weeks. What if something had gone wrong?

8:30 Dan's cell rings, Texas number. It's them! We scurry up to our room and close the door, so we can hear. On speaker phone, we were told by a man with a slight Texas drawl to raise our right hand (!!!!) And, just like in marriage, we promised, among other things, to love Finneas Marvin forever. Saying these vows brought tears to my eyes. It's real, it's finally, fully, real!

The call lasted 3 minutes and 39 seconds, ending with a comparison on the days forecast in the two contrasting states.

We spend the late morning and early afternoon at the conservatory.



We so rarely get to go anywhere as a family, what with it being winter and trying to stay healthy, this was a rare and fun treat and the kids did great!



It's fun to have a place to go and forget that it's snowing. In March.

We spent the evening with family out to dinner. It was noisy, busy and fun.

In between, Dan and I had a meeting to review Finn's IFSP. He's still doing ok developmentally, but we're still watching him with great concern in a few areas. We decided that we're going to have a speech therapist come out and watch him eat, to see if there are any suggestions in strengthening his mouth, as this could affect his speech development. We're still working hard with his PT, and will be very relieved when he is walking. He probably wonders what all the fuss is about.

Our days are full. I love to watch the boys interract. They love playing together. And Finn watches Harry and immitates him. He's always just a short way behind in learning, and I just have to believe that God planned it to be just that way. They needed each other.

It's weird to not be in the midst of planning another adoption right now. When we finalized Harry we were already matched with Finn. What's nice is not being swamped with paperwork. But now, as we're finishing formula and bottle phase, we can't help but wonder what's next.

I can't hardly wait for Spring. I am just going crazy for sunshine and fresh air and open windows. What with the 8 inches or so of snow we finally got on Tuesday, I know we've got a ways to go before winter loses its icy grip on us. But it's coming, every days it's closer. Same goes for every other good thing the Lord has in store for us. For now, I am enjoying my three little blessings:)Aren't they cute?