Fill Me Up God

http://www.youtube.com/watch/?v=yWCgyMaWcDs

I invite you to listen to this song. With ear buds. Maybe it will move your heart like it has mine today.

I question myself a lot. I question the strength of my faith. Deeply connected with this, my ability to parent. My ability to handle what may be in our future.

I question myself because I fail.

I feel small, miserable, worthless, sometimes. Like a mean, angry, frustrated, raisin-version of myself. Dried up and old. Disgusting.

I forget that it is NOT me. It is God. I forget that this life is short but packed full. It's a race. And I cannot finish without God filling me up.

My heart can be so full of ugly. Full of sorrow. Full of questions. What if? Why didn't I? NOT in regards to our children, but other decisions.

But then I worship. Best to do it when I don't WANT to, but it's getting to the point where I ALWAYS want to. It's addicting, because God never fails to fill my heart. When His loving radiance pours into my mean little heart, it expands, swells and is finally up to the job.

My one job. To LOVE. It sounds overly-simplistic. But it isn't. Love is an action. Love is patience, love is kindness, love suffers a long time, love doesn't seek it's own benefit, love doesn't seek it's own glory. Love gives. Love dies. Love pours out, out, out.

Ann Voskamp says this in "1,000 Gifts"

"'Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around will be as bright as noon. The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry, and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.' It's the fundamental, lavish, radical nature of the upside-down economy of God. Spend the whole of your one wild and beautiful life investing in many lives, and God simply will not be outdone. God extravagantly pays back everything we give away and exactly in the currency that is not of this world but the one we yearn for."

There is no me. It is Him. It is His, all of it. I just need to allow Him to fill me. I can't become poor by giving. Money. Time. My last fiber of energy and breath. Even as I change diapers with distressed hair, and comfort little boys that woke up too early. And in the end...