Lovable

It's time for some updating...
We have finally gotten word of some babies. It's encouraging t0 finally hear something. Apparently we were in a baby drought. Comes in waves, I guess. This news is laced with discouragement for us, though. One placement fee was $30,000. And it was a baby with high risk for developmental delay and other issues. Because there isn't much going on in the adoption "market", costs are up. The next email I received was about a $10,000 (what we are closer to in our fundraising) baby with...well, we weren't sure of everything right away, but we knew for sure hydrocephalus and cleft palate, premature. The sobering and confusing details of his short existence are beyond our ability to cope with as parents, we found. Some of the things that were plaguing this little one I've never even heard of. I researched each medical term used to describe him and knew that this baby was not for us. It took me a while to get to that realization. As someone who hates to go halfway with anything, it's hard to say no. We have agreed to consider some special needs, but some babies come into this world so incredibly malformed, it's stunning. I try to imagine a situation in which I could choose to raise a child like that. If I had money, if my child were older, if I had medical experience. But the reality is that I had to say no to a child. A mother and fatherless child, who was born at a tiny 32 weeks, with so many health problems, it's amazing to me that he's alive. It's heartbreaking, and it makes me feel just a little dissapointed in myself.

It makes me wonder why these little ones are sent to us "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13. God allowed that little boy to be formed like that, on purpose. It wasn't a mistake or an accident. God allowed whatever caused this damage to shape this little one into what he is. What will his existence look like? How can one so twisted and deficient enjoy life? Will he even know emotions at all? We may never know, but it brings me to the thought that perhaps these little ones are sent into the world not as a tease to them, to be forever envious of the rest of the "normal" human race. Or without awareness at all, without the ability to perceive anything about life besides mere existence. Perhaps God sends them here to see what we will do with them, to see how this world will love them.

I spend my days with perfect, beautiful, really smart kids. They are really lovable. There is nothing twisted or ugly about my daughter's appearance except the scar on her lip from her accident. And I hate it, because it mars her perfect, childish beauty. It hurts me to see it, because I know she will bear that evidence of her wound for the rest of her life. As a teenager, she will look at it while she puts on her makeup and what will she think? Despite the scar, she is just as pretty as could be. My niece and nephew are just gorgeous specimens of humanity, indeed, every baby born into my world has been just about perfect.

But loving them isn't meritorious, it doesn't prove me capable or truly self-sacrificing love, I will always get something back from them, even if at some naughtier moments, it's nothing more than seeing their lovely little faces. Of course I love them, anyone would. It's easy. It's not so easy to imagine loving a baby with physical features that are wrong, that are not perfect. To imagine that child as an adult, and what years of suffering and brain deterioration could do to a face and body already twisted and broken. I think I could love a baby with some deformities, but it makes me feel guilty that I could not handle anything. Because I ask myself the question, if not me, then who? They say they are "desperately searching" to find a family for him, and he lays in a hospital, pitied and cared for, but not doted on and adored, like the babies in my world.

Maybe these little ones are sent as a test to see how much our love will stretch. To test to see how big our hearts can grow. I feel that I cannot take this test.

And ultimately, I know that God will lead us to the right child. Maybe this is him! God will have to make that very, ridiculously clear to me, because at this moment, I can't wrap my brain around it.

What I know is that our fundraising efforts have yielded just enough for a special needs baby. Is this God's will for us?

I do continue to apply for grants. One that I have worked on for over a month was a waste of time, because with everything else going on I missed a deadline for it and will not be allowed to re-apply. That really is a blow to Miss Type A. I have to soothe my frustration with the truth that it wasn't meant to be. We have one application that we have submitted and haven't heard anything about, two that we know we won't get. I am currently working on two more, and have one I will do when these two are finished. They are doors that could lead to a different type of adoption than what we've been faced with lately. So, I guess if we get them, then we will see that as a sign. If not, we will remain open to almost any type of baby.

I was a bit upset to learn that the baby in foster care in FL (the boy with spina bifida) is now back "on the market", supposedly. I feel strung along in this situation, and am very cautious about dwelling on this situation at all. The birth mom has a court date in September, and is "going to make an adoptin plan." Well, we've heard that before and will believe it when it happens. And if it does, I would be surprised if she picked us. And then, we know nothing of his medical condition, so we might find ourselves again needing to make a difficult decision. I'm going to do my best not to think about it until we know the facts.

We still have heard nothing about the little boys in foster care in FL that had special needs and visual impairment. We're not really waiting to hear, if something else were to come up that looked like a good fit for us, we would pursue that. We're just staying open to all these situations for now, till we know more.

So far, we have just over $1000, plus a grant that has almost been fully matched, for a total of about $6000 to for sure go towards our placement costs. As the time flies by, we feel that we may need to try to get a loan, because we just don't know how long it will take to be matched, and each day that passes, where are profile is not out there, is one less day of possibility. The home study does have an expiration date, and we thought that we could raise enought by now. We are not despairing, it is God's timing, but if you should feel led to donate, even a very small amount helps. Also, purchasing an item on Small Steps is a way to help, as well as purchasing a t-shirt. I have no idea how many t-shirts have been sold, as it is all handled by the company. So I cannot say how much we have raised so far with that. The most I could imagine would be around $500. Our goal is to raise up to or above $20,000.00 which leaves us with a deficit of about $14,000.00 or so.

This is a complicated process, and if you have any questions or need any clarification please feel free to ask via email. I am not always able to reply to a comment with another comment right here on the blog, but am very open to questions and thoughts!!

I praise God for each baby born to this world; life is precious no matter what. And I thank Him, too, that LuLu is so healthy. She is very blessed!!

We send hugs and kisses to our lovable little child, wherever you are out there!!

Now I have a shocking amount of housework to catch up, so, good-bye for now!!