So, we continue in our adoption journey. As I was mentioning to a friend last night, it is the most difficult thing we have ever done. The paperwork, because of our unique set of circumstances, seems unending (I've filled out more applications for various agencies and grants than I care to count). The waiting is harrowing, the disappointments bitter. We knew this would be hard, though. And I've always been drawn to difficulty, it seems. It's part of the reason I'm a runner...the more effort it takes, the more reward you get in the end. But this is different from anything I've and we've ever done, because it's baby humans we're talking about. Baby humans in need of what we so desperately wish to share and give. The minute we got information about the first potential, we let our imaginations and hearts run too far ahead of us, because it seemed perfect, it seemed like it was meant to be. We won't be doing that anymore. It's just too hard and hurts too much.
But we're in it for the long haul, whether it's a few more weeks (miracle status scenario) or in the next year (hopefully??)
Not that this is all negative, to quote Oswald Chambers "The strength is in the strain." I find as we are in the process there are aspects that I feel strenthened and encouraged by. I love researching about adoption issues. I love reading and hearing others' adoption stories. I want to immerse myself in this world, I would love to dedicate my whole life to adopting my own, and then helping other families adopt. I believe that it is one of the most beautiful things in life, because it can bring about so much good, love and miracles. We hope to adopt domestically, from foster care and internationally. We hope to bring many more children into our family through adoption. I hate the process because of the uncertainty of everything. Where will the money come from? When will we know who are baby is? How much longer will we have to wait? But I love it because of what it's leading towards.
Being in this process is fascinating, absorbing and exhausting, especially when we have the realities of life constantly pounding down our door. We keep thinking life will get easier, and it doesn't. We try to figure things out, have a plan. And then we get our legs swept out from under us. I'm sure many of you reading this, if not most, can relate. But I came across this quote, also by Mr. Chambers "The saint is hilarious when he is crushed with difficulties because the thing is so ludicrously impossible to anyone but God." I can think of times in our life when we have faced circumstances so bewildering and so out of our control, that we laugh. Sometimes you just don't know what else to do. And then sometimes you cry. Suddenly the realization hits you that there's no way this works on paper. Even though you're straining, pulling muscles, falling down from fatigue, there's no way! And with wild abandon, you must throw yourself out into the unknown. That's where I feel we are right now. I know we'll land. Where, I do not know. But He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it. He's brought us into this desert for a purpose. And we hold fast to that.
There are some matters that we will be praying about, and if you feel so led, we would appreciate your prayers as well.
1. That our grant and loan applications would be successful
2. That we would know just what we can handle, as far as special needs
3. That the Lord would provide families for the two little boys I mentioned last post, and that if we are one of them, that we would know soon!
4. That the Lord would give us just what we need physically and spiritually
Heard anything yet? We get that question a few times a week. Unfortunately, we have no information of that good, come get this baby type, yet! We continue to pursue different avenues of networking. We have been in contact with and would love to be able to work with an agency that is located in NY that seems like a good fit for us. They subsidize adoption costs, without government funding! Our agency here in MN is most likely not going to be our placing agency, but rather a means of networking with other agencies. The casewokers at GCAA would love to work with more birth moms, but it is relatively new agency and can't afford to advertise. If we could work with this agency out east, it would greatly reduce the cost for us, as well as cut travel time down to a day or two. The wait would be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, and they only place 20 children a year, so mathematically speaking, it's still a long shot for us. We are trying not to "...wait in spiritual sulks because (we) cannot see an inch in front of (us)" O. Chambers. But we do get discouraged and frustrated. However, we know that God is pushing and prodding and blocking us for a reason, to direct us to a certain course that perhaps we would not choose on our own. And we believe that strength comes when we need it. We already love our baby, and that love buoys us on.
I heard today of a woman who's been waiting 5 years to adopt from China. Kind of puts me in a better, less whiny, frame of mind when I compare my two months to five long years of renewing home studies and getting older. All in good time.
We know there is a red thread attached to our hearts. We can't wait to see where it will lead!
Hugs and Kisses little one!
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