There Is No Enough

Most days Every day ends here at the Church house with many, many loose ends. Many tasks uncompleted, much to be done. We live on a skin tight budget. If it were an outfit, it would be scandalous, let me tell you. We only ever have a savings account once we've recovered from the last adoption and are hoarding tax returns till we can complete another. Much of the time we are busy, exhausted, overwhelmed, but strangely, find ourselves laughing and happy.

We could make the excuse that we are doing enough, after having adopted twice, and busy with many physical therapy and assessment appointments and doctor visits. But when there are 20-200 some MILLION orphans, I am sorry but, frankly, there is no enough. No enough for me. No enough for you, my friend. That word does not exist.

You see, inside of me there is a fire. Smoldering or raging, it is always there, and it will not be extinguished till I am. My goal in life? Once it was grad school. Know what it is now? Orphan Crisis. My retirement planning? Used to be gardening. Know what I plan now? Spending my life, helping. Spending every last breath.

Why? Because I am warm in winter, I do not go hungry, I am looking at a sparkly Christmas tree, and there are children in Romania that hit themselves in the face repeatedly, because they receive no other human contact. There are babies in Africa that DIE of starvation, because no mama or daddy ever came for them. Well, that is just not ok with me. And you know what? It's not ok with me that it's ok with you...because if it weren't ok with you, you would be doing something.

Yes, the idea of an international, or any adoption is overwhelming for me too. But so is the state of my laundry and everything else in my life. It is a daunting task making in through each day sanely. However, I have Jesus with me every step of the way, and if you do too, then you can do it and I can do it. Feeling overwhelmed is not an excuse either, friend.

No one has to do everything. Every one should do SOMETHING! Please support the adoptive families you know GENEROUSLY! If you know someone who is adopting give them everything you can and more. Because every penny you give gets that child home all the sooner; it's one less penny that family will have to struggle to come up with. And support them in prayer before, during and after placement of the child/ren.

Sponsor a child. Support a ministry that helps families stay together. Pray! Pray every day for an orphan or for all orphans.

Adoption is so hard. It is so expensive. But so worth every effort. Once you see those faces, once you hear the stories and see the tears and utter abandonment and heartache, you can not be human and not do something.

Derek Loux, and adoptive father and orphan advocate, said this "Adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him."

I'm not saying it's easy. I'm just saying that is no reason you should sleep better at night, doing nothing.

So get moving. What are you waiting for?

Some personal faves that I would encourage you to research and support:

Amazima

World Vision

Steadfast Love

Compassion International

Show Hope

Love Without Boundaries

Fill Me Up God

http://www.youtube.com/watch/?v=yWCgyMaWcDs

I invite you to listen to this song. With ear buds. Maybe it will move your heart like it has mine today.

I question myself a lot. I question the strength of my faith. Deeply connected with this, my ability to parent. My ability to handle what may be in our future.

I question myself because I fail.

I feel small, miserable, worthless, sometimes. Like a mean, angry, frustrated, raisin-version of myself. Dried up and old. Disgusting.

I forget that it is NOT me. It is God. I forget that this life is short but packed full. It's a race. And I cannot finish without God filling me up.

My heart can be so full of ugly. Full of sorrow. Full of questions. What if? Why didn't I? NOT in regards to our children, but other decisions.

But then I worship. Best to do it when I don't WANT to, but it's getting to the point where I ALWAYS want to. It's addicting, because God never fails to fill my heart. When His loving radiance pours into my mean little heart, it expands, swells and is finally up to the job.

My one job. To LOVE. It sounds overly-simplistic. But it isn't. Love is an action. Love is patience, love is kindness, love suffers a long time, love doesn't seek it's own benefit, love doesn't seek it's own glory. Love gives. Love dies. Love pours out, out, out.

Ann Voskamp says this in "1,000 Gifts"

"'Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around will be as bright as noon. The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry, and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.' It's the fundamental, lavish, radical nature of the upside-down economy of God. Spend the whole of your one wild and beautiful life investing in many lives, and God simply will not be outdone. God extravagantly pays back everything we give away and exactly in the currency that is not of this world but the one we yearn for."

There is no me. It is Him. It is His, all of it. I just need to allow Him to fill me. I can't become poor by giving. Money. Time. My last fiber of energy and breath. Even as I change diapers with distressed hair, and comfort little boys that woke up too early. And in the end...

Getting Ahead of Ourselves

I'm sitting here looking at photolistings on rainbowkids. Something I probably should not be doing. Every photo I click on (which is every photo on each page) I imagine picking that child up. Holding him or her in my arms. Loving them. I feel like I could just spread myself into one huge, super mother and take them all into my heart. Never go hungry again, sweet ones. Never let one tear go unnoticed. Never ever to be abandoned again.

Just keeping it real here, I think about money an awful lot. I think about the lack of it here, and the excess of it elsewhere. I try to devise and connive, to find a business, something everyone needs that would allow us to adopt another child. And keep adopting. Because there are so many.

I am frustrated. I am forced to wait. I have nothing against learning a little patience. But when what you're waiting for is not a new shirt to come in the mail, but to rescue a vulnerable, abandoned child, come on, that's torture! Out the window I see dark clouds, trees wild and black against a sky that is shrouded in untimely nightly-ness and full of ominous threats. The wind whips a small leaf up, around, away. Out of my sight, in the power of an unseen force.

I see the threats. I feel the danger. Such a small, fragile one you are, Daniel from somewhere in Africa, with a birthdate a few months before Harry's that makes you special needs. Small, sweet brown face with, no doubt, dimpled knuckles on your sweet little boy hands.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, you small orphan somewhere in Africa. Or Haiti. Or Jamaica. Or China. Or Russia. Or USA. Or wherever. I worry that the world has forgotten you little one. I worry that I won't get there, to help you.

And I reflect that you are more than just a puppy in a pet store. You are a human being, with a birth family, a bloodline, a broken heart. A complex, wounded, precious child of God. Not a project, not a trophy. A soul. Not to be part of a collection, but to be integrated and grafted into an imperfect, but hopefully loving, happy, healthy family. Meant for a family.

The thing is, all children are made for moms and dads. They need them. No child was made to be able to survive alone. The alarming thought is that so, so many don't have either or anyone!

And there's only one comforting thought is all these frightful musings. And that comes to me as a lay in bed and feel in my heart the child that is sleeping in the dust, alone, somewhere far away. The children that run wild on the streets, and sleep in black, empty doorways, in cities full of strangers. I want to be a spirit and spread myself over these little forgotten faces with hungry eyes. And then I'm startled by the thought that they already have that. There is a Father to the fatherless. And He loves these lost ones more than I ever could.

So I'm back to the starting spot. This is why I shouldn't be looking at photolistings (pictures of actual, darling orphans.) Because He hasn't opened the door yet. I'm peeking under the crack, trying to peer through and see what's next. I ask Him every day to open that door. Sometimes I cry, and pound at that door. I kick it and try to break it down. I hate that darn door. But, like many other things in my life, without God orchestrating this great venture, it will just be a bunch of meaningless noise and wasted effort. And just because I'm asking for something that is ostensibly altruistic doesn't mean I automatically get it.

But please, can't it be. And can't it be now. In the great cosmic, awesomeness that is God running the whole universe, can't a cog move and a gear shift and suddenly something be set in motion that would produce an object that stays in motion? Something that would propel us across the ocean, through reams of endless paperwork and fees, and to the door of an orphanage where we could fill our arms with child, sweet warm, busy wild little bodies. So we can swirl the waters of this house back into chaos and laughter and tears and uproar (ok, so maybe we're already there, but there would be more). And that moment, at some point in each day, like now, when lashes brush round cheeks and breath is warm and soft, and busy life is cocooned into soft, safe nests?

There is a hole in my heart. I feel that someone is missing. Where are you little one? And when will you be home? When can we start looking for you?
"Home, let me go home, Home is wherever I'm with you."

Attachment-Love in action

Because if we are well-bonded with our children, it enhances our ability, as parents, to be patient, forgiving and intentional

Some practical tips for ME, and whomever else may find this helpful!

1. Bonding happens through touch! Sometimes this happens automatically, and sometimes it must be intentional, to build up that bond. Add hugs, kisses, caresses and tickles to rituals throughout your day. Hugs and kisses before naptime, tickles after physical therapy (which is not always a fun time, so add some!), lotion after bath time, little back rubs when they ask to be held.
Try to give 12 hugs to each kid per day! I just learned recently in a webinar by Susan Orban that that is what it takes, for healthy emotional growth. Who knew? What a great assignment!

2. Lots of positive eye contact. Soft eyes and smile! Remember to message them, "You are precious, you are loved, you are important to me!" with your eyes. Too often we message disappointment (after wrong behavior), anger and frustration. Perhaps we even message our own stress unconsciously, which may look like rejection to our kids. Another thing I learned in the webinar is that our kids are a mood mirror to us as parents and caregivers. Kids acting crazy? How are YOU feeling?

3. Spend one-on-one time. My experience is that this is hard once you have three or more. I like to have a special lunch time with my 6 year old, while the boys nap. Today we went outside, in the shade. It was so nice!

4. Be so careful of your voice tone. Our voices are so expressive. Are they expressing stress, anger, frustration? Or does our tone imply love, nurture, competence? Out of control, loud, angry voices do NOT message competence to our kids. And expecting them to be calm when we are barely containing our frustration is ridiculous!

5. Find reasons to praise your children. Older kids can be praised for achievements, or for showing good character traits! Little kids can too! And everyone likes to be told they're cute and why, sometimes:)

6. Even though babies grow up, or toddlers come home acting grown up, and can feed themselves, take opportunities to feed them. Sometimes I cut up butter toast and feed little pieces to the boys. You could use anything, I prefer the not-too-messy route!

7. Know your own vulnerabilities...mine are when I'm really tired or when something doesn't go as planned. For instance, I tend to get testy if my normally super sleepers don't fall asleep, or wake up cranky! Knowing this going into a tense situation allows me to be on the alert for "short wick syndrome" that could shake attachment and trust. Taking a deep breath, sitting down, turning on music, all are better alternatives for that moment than letting lose the temper.

8. Remember that something beautiful, cute, funny, endearing and sweet could be just around the corner! In those moments when someone pulls something off a table and it breaks, throws a mouth-full of food on the floor just for fun or pushes a sibling, I try to remind myself this, because it is always true. The tough moments are usually blinks in time, and then happy times return.

9. Focus on God's attributes. He tells us He loves us in a million ways, and that He will never leave us or forsake us. He not only tends to us unruly and forgetful as we are, but made the ultimate sacrifice for us. May we, as parents, especially special needs parents, hold onto this truth. Love is unconditional. Period.

10. Be thankful. Ann Voskamp says in her book "1,000 Gifts" that joy comes from thankfulness and only you can suffocate your own joy. In all things give thanks.

Remember that we all live before the Lord, constantly. He is there to help, moms and dads. He loves us when we don't deserve it, and shows mercy and compassion to a marvelous extent. Don't turn around and deprive your children of the love that we ourselves are being shown.

Reckless Love

I'm hungry.

It's the end of the day. I put my earbuds in because I need to drown out the noise of stress. And inevitably the music inspires me to seek deeper than entertainment.

Groceries are running low, and dinner was leftovers and stuff from the pantry...no junk food in sight, I need to get to the grocery store, so, I'm hungry.

Beyond physical hunger, which is good to feel sometimes, I feel a deep, driving, ceaseless hunger that is just as persistent as the gnawing I feel in my body. It drives me to unnatural behavior, just like not having a ton of food to choose from makes me seek out alternatives to eat, like canned corn (gag.)

Behavior like eye-devouring photos of a culture so foreign to anything I've ever know, it's ridiculous. Behavior like seeking out music from another continent, just so I feel closer to that people. Behavior like dreaming of leaving the comfort of my American bubble to do something real.

I was dwelling today on how having one big, faith-stretching event experienced in life doesn't mean we're done. One race completed doesn't mean a life of ease ever after. I trusted God to help us bring home our first born-far-away angel. I trusted him more the next time, but, in a way, it was easier to make that decision. The trial itself was not easier, but quicker. Maybe something like birthing a second child the biological way seems to, in general, be a speedier process,though by no means easy.

I am a runner. And I'm hungry. I'm hungry for the road again. I'm not talking about shoes, wind and road. Running is such a metaphor for my life! I'm hungry to dig deeper. To give more. To add another sweet soul to our family, perhaps? But this time, perhaps the call is coming from a farther distance.

What is it? Why am I singing the songs of a people I don't know? Why is my heart pulled away from this place that keeps me so safe?

I hear you, nay-sayer. For your kind live in me too. Do I simply love a thrill? The excitement? The laud, gifts, kind words, admiring sentiments? The exotic? The simple fact that it's more difficult? Why can't I be content, settle down, be filled with what is here. Is God pulling me, or am I trying really hard to push Him?

One thing I know. Adoption is not ever easy. I am familiar, acquainted and intimate with many of the emotional, physical and spiritual stresses of adoption.

But I am enchanted by it, too. Even after two completed adoptions. Even weathering many little squalls, I'm still all in. Still starry-eyed, though bleary-eyed too.

"If you then would live to Christ's glory, and be happy in His service, seek to be filled with the spirit of adoption more and more completely, till perfect love shall cast out fear."-Spurgeon (I do realize I quote him quite a lot)

One thought that keeps resurfacing with me and my inner dialogue/debate over intent, is this. Why would God allow/give a desire to help when the need is SO great and not want/will us to act? And if He does give the desire, would He give it and not match it with ability to quench it, when what is desired is to fill a void that is millions of souls deep? And if He gives the desire, and loves those precious motherless with a passion that I can't even approach, won't He provide the means? Why not now?

I fully realize I am not the only soul with eyes aflame with desire to aid. Many, many families wait, wait, wait to fully fund their adoption. Help God! Supply the need! Open your Big Hands to our gaping, wounded world. You command us to love, and love is an action. Let us act!

I challenge you, reader, whoever you may be. Re-think that expensive indulgence. Why not invest in a soul? Your gift, large or small, means a child could be one step closer to her forever family. Isn't that more important, when whatever you are about to buy will be consumed/rot/fray/dissolve/rust? What are we doing? God help us to see what is. The shadows that move beyond what is felt and seen are our eternal reality. The intagible is our only forever. This is just the jumping-off spot.

I want to love recklessly.

Chasing Joy

Emotions are deceptive, sometimes. To me, joy isn't always an emotion. It's a choice. I choose to pursue it and capture it. It's hard sometimes. And that is ok.

At times, joy does come in big, sweeping waves, like when you bring a new child home, or something like that. Sometimes, we have to look for joy under the rocks of life. Life gets a bit rocky.

Lists are good. I'm keeping track of my joy, today.

~The thought that SPRING IS COMING!!!!!

~The return of daylight that lasts long enough so that I can run again.

~My kids wrestling and giggling.

~Listening to music.

~Observing character traits developing in my 5-year-old...like wanting to be helpful.

~Seeing my son's little, impish grin.

~Lemon bars.

~Singing to Jesus.


I am one of those people that likes a challenge. Ha. Never could have guessed, right? My life is challenging. So, that makes it a struggle sometimes, but when things go well, it is very rewarding.

Our life seems risky too, but is it? The notion of throwing oneself upon the will of an unseen Deity and choosing to follow the leading of the Wind of His will, well, it makes me breathless. But, as we were reminded last night by Spurgeon's inspired words, it really is the safest place to be. Following His will. The safest place in life.

I'm not sure how we're perceived from the outside. Foolish? Martyrs? Saints? Crazy? But no matter how little sense it makes, we have to do what we're sure is right. Me staying home...right. Homeschooling, right. Adopting, right. Easy, nope. Have it all figured out, NO! Still make mistakes, yep. Still feel like a rookie, yep.

I hope someday that I can give good advice to other adoptive parents. After all, what good is experience if it doesn't age well with the benefit of wisdom. I hope to be able to digest what I've learned and have it make sense to me and with it bless my children. For now, I'm still figuring it all out. I like the gathering of knowledge. I do pray for wisdom. I do wonder what the future holds, what are we being prepared for?

What I've learned this week? Your best is good enough, even if it's not perfect. You're succeeding at something, hold onto that. Let unrealistic expectations go, keep doing the right thing.


I read this today and found it brilliantly encouraging.

"Let all thy glorying and confidence be in Christ and His strength, for only so canst thou be kept from falling. Be much more in prayer. Spend longer time in holy adoration(worship). Read the scriptures more earnestly and constantly. Watch your lives more carefully. Live nearer to God. Take the best examples for your pattern. Let your conversation be redolent of Heaven. Let your hearts be perfumed with affection for (everyone's) souls. So live that (they) may take knowledge of you that you have been with Jesus, and have learned of Him; and when that happy day shall come, when He whom you love shall say, "Come up higher", may it be your happiness to hear Him say, "Thou hast fought a good fight, thou hast finished thy course, and henceforth there is laid up for thee a crown of righteousness which fadeth not away"
-C.H. Spurgeon, from "Morning and Evening"

Isn't that beautiful? I don't know how much time I have left. I need every minute to count. I need to go full bore. I can't wait till I'm older/wiser/richer/unbusier to grow my family. The time is now.

Source: serialthriller.com via Gina on Pinterest

Finally Finalized

On Monday, March 4th we were supposed to get a huge snow fall. We were also supposed to get a phone call at 8 a.m. from a Texas judge. Neither of these events took place when expected.

Early Monday morning I kept waking up and checking the time. I worried that I would "forget" and miss the phone call that would make my little boy mine forever. What a strange thing. I got up around 7:15 and fed the boys, so they would be content during our chat with the judge and attorneys.

At 7:45 I yelled for Dan to get up. It could be any minute now. 7:56...nothing. 8 on the dot...nothing. Should we call the attorney? I called them around 8:15, not open yet. AHH!!! Had they forgotten us? I hadn't heard from anyone at all in weeks. What if something had gone wrong?

8:30 Dan's cell rings, Texas number. It's them! We scurry up to our room and close the door, so we can hear. On speaker phone, we were told by a man with a slight Texas drawl to raise our right hand (!!!!) And, just like in marriage, we promised, among other things, to love Finneas Marvin forever. Saying these vows brought tears to my eyes. It's real, it's finally, fully, real!

The call lasted 3 minutes and 39 seconds, ending with a comparison on the days forecast in the two contrasting states.

We spend the late morning and early afternoon at the conservatory.



We so rarely get to go anywhere as a family, what with it being winter and trying to stay healthy, this was a rare and fun treat and the kids did great!



It's fun to have a place to go and forget that it's snowing. In March.

We spent the evening with family out to dinner. It was noisy, busy and fun.

In between, Dan and I had a meeting to review Finn's IFSP. He's still doing ok developmentally, but we're still watching him with great concern in a few areas. We decided that we're going to have a speech therapist come out and watch him eat, to see if there are any suggestions in strengthening his mouth, as this could affect his speech development. We're still working hard with his PT, and will be very relieved when he is walking. He probably wonders what all the fuss is about.

Our days are full. I love to watch the boys interract. They love playing together. And Finn watches Harry and immitates him. He's always just a short way behind in learning, and I just have to believe that God planned it to be just that way. They needed each other.

It's weird to not be in the midst of planning another adoption right now. When we finalized Harry we were already matched with Finn. What's nice is not being swamped with paperwork. But now, as we're finishing formula and bottle phase, we can't help but wonder what's next.

I can't hardly wait for Spring. I am just going crazy for sunshine and fresh air and open windows. What with the 8 inches or so of snow we finally got on Tuesday, I know we've got a ways to go before winter loses its icy grip on us. But it's coming, every days it's closer. Same goes for every other good thing the Lord has in store for us. For now, I am enjoying my three little blessings:)Aren't they cute?

Learning Curve

I've been trying to write this post for a very long time.

I've changed the title of my blog.

On Monday, we're officially adding a member to our family. Only officially, as he was truly added when he was born, even though no one knew it.

So I feel the time has come to change the focus of my writing here. I've told my stories. Not saying there won't be more:) But now I want to share how MUCH God is teaching me through all this, and the little I have actually been able to learn.

I feel that we have been through the proverbial ringer in the last 7 months. Layers and layers of troubles. Or maybe another analogy would be a roller coaster, only, now, the excitement is exhausting.

Even in the last two months ALONE, we have lost a beloved grandmother, suddenly, had three pets die unexpectedly (this was really traumatizing on Lu, too much death for a 5 year old), had three viruses go through each member of the family, got in a car accident (minor), had major repairs to do on both vehicles, the wash machine broke down and was out of comission for weeks, had numerous doctor and pt appointments and one trip to the ER. The. Last. Two. Months.

Looking further back, we lost a grandfather, our first taste of the death of someone that close. And an ER trip with our tiny, new son. And a heartbreaking extended family rift that has gone unresolved.

This all on top of the frenetic busyness that in and of itself would have us snarling at each other.

And I've been burdened with guilt, feeling like the worst of repeat offenders when I lose patience or my temper with one, or all of my children. Well, I wonder why I may be a little on edge?

Each day, it seems, brings it's own set of trials. A sorrowful good-bye after a phone chat with a grieving relative. Worrying about added expenses from the latest breakdown. Missing a lost loved one. Wondering what the next trial will be. We can't see the toll of all of this because it is emotional, but methinks if I could see my soul right now, it would have some pretty gnarly scars.

I will interject here, we've had a few folks randomly or intentionally give us gifts that have helped tremendously. Thank you dear friends. It sort of makes me feel like a "missionary" of sorts, which feels weird but good!

Another layer, parenting a special needs child. Finn is delightful. He is precious, made in the image of God. He has the most gorgeous blue eyes I have ever seen. I wish that my only job since we brought him home had been attachment. Let me be honest, forming a close bond with a child is very difficult under stress. Even when they are as cute as my littlest love. And fitting in doctors appointments, PT practice almost every day, and constantly wondering what his future may look like, along with teaching piano lessons to 12 great students (including my girl) as well as homeschooling, is tremendously difficult. It makes my heart tight with stress and anger instead of being relaxed and welcoming.

I've had to use all the stockpile of knowledge I've gained throughout the years in creating attachment with my child. I am so thankful for all that research, the seminar, the videos, the many, many books. Adding a new member to our family, who is different, in so many ways, from any other child I have ever met, has taken every emotional and physical resource I posses.

There are times my fails have been epic. My sin nature was under the surface,more or less, till now. But I am ever, ever greatful my Savior has not left me there to rot. I am daily putting on patience, and learning, hopefully, to not just be calm, but to embrace joy.

A great outlet has been worship. I am blessed to be able to minister on our church worship team with 4 other great musicians. I lose myself in worship and find God, and this has been good for me, and for my kids.

Another thing that helps me keep sight of why we agreed to do this in the first place is watching documentaries, reading stories, watching films (highly recommend The Odd Life of Timothy Green) and connect (via social networking) with other adoptive, special needs families. Because when I start becoming ogre-mama it's because I've lost sight of this great task I have been given. Not to rush my kids to adulthood and then hurry them out the door to enjoy my retirement from parenthood. But to provide a warm, high structure, high nurture (thanks K. Purvis and others) environment, and to teach my kids about JESUS, and enjoy every second with them, in case they do ever leave:)

With a drug and alcohol exposed baby, the realiy of never being empty-nesters is there. It's a bit daunting. It spirals into different levels of how we interact. It shouldn't. But let's be real, here. It's new territory, and I am the first of anyone I know in my pier group to have a special needs kid.

Amazingly, thanks to our awsome God, if you ask me how I'm doing, I would say, honestly, good! I can handle this. No props to me. Of myself, I could not do this. Of God, I'm waiting for my next assignment. Send us to Africa to minister to orphans? Ok God. Take another SN baby(confession:I regularly check adoptuskids.org and rainbowkids, shhh...don't tell Dan)? Ok God. Embark on the crazy adventure of international adoption as soon as possible? Tell me when Lord! Never adopt again and minister to my family in an unremarkable way for the rest of my days? {GULP} ok God.

So, I'm techinically back to waiting:) I can't wait to see where Jesus will lead our family next. I know we can do ANYTHING, because He does EVERYTHING. Do we struggle tremendously in almost every way? Sure. But once I'm done running a half marathon, it's not like I never want to run again. I just need a little recovery time, but I am counting down the hours till I can be free and exhausted again.

I truly, truly believe that God has inspired, empowered, enabled and fortified us to do exactly. what. we're. doing. Because we're doing it! And I am convinced that no one could do this without God-empowerment.

How has adoption changed me? It's made me crabbier(that's the total exhaustion talking):) But I now know my outer limits, and am learning how to avoid situations that lead to failure. I think I have become quieter (ok becoming) I am learning how to talk about my philosophies on parenting and discipline, and how and when to shut up about it, or just shut up in general. Because it's no ones business or no one cares. I have become a harder worker, more self-sacrificing with time, and perhaps (hopefully temporarily)somewhat more pessimistic (we pessimists call is realism) More determind to actually get out there and do something about human suffering. More faith-filled. Uglier. Let's face it, I don't have time to spend on beauty! More full of dreams. Braver. Reckless, in a good way. More compassionate. More patient. More loving. I have learned what unconditional love is, emptying of self. It's not based on conditions. Not on blood, not on attraction, not on any benefit to me. Just in the need in another human being for love. It's opened me, broken me, shamed me, inspired me, strengthened me, taught me, refined me, through the Master's hands, as nothing else ever could have.

My family is the best gift God ever gave me, outside of salvation. My children are amazing. We needed each one. I feel we need more. I know more need us. 160,000,000 orphans and we worry about our retirement, our debt, our clothes, our hair, our homes decor, our vehicle, our free time, our vacation, our need to be right, our pleasure. What? Do you know what those 160,000,000 worry about? Living.

It is stupid to worry about material wealth or things. Stewardship is essential. Possesion is not. How troubled I am for our future. How troubled I am for our children. I will never stop working, running, towards this goal. 0.

"There is no passion to be found in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." Nelson Mandela

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Mahatma Gandhi

"Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk." Dalai Lama

"If you can't feed a hundred people then just feed one." Mother Teresa

Source: artistrising.com via Gina on Pinterest

Well, it's Christmas time again! The days fly by and as the days grow more and more wintery, I am reminded of the contrast in climate we experienced while bringing Finn home. One moment I remember in particular was on our way home. We were so excited to bring our new little boy home! We were ready to be done with the small, dingy hotel room, living out of suitcases and planning meals from a laundry basket. About 45 minutes into our trip, one of the tires started making noise. We had just been discussing the state of the tires. Suddenly, the noise started getting louder, and pretty soon, as we are crusing down highway 35, very busy at that time of the morning, the tire blew. So much noise, the truck violently vibrating and the thought of four people in the back, including our three kids and Dan's sister, who came along to help. We were thankful for the spare we knew we had in the back of the truck. So there we were, pulled over on that busy highway, cars barely moving over as they careened by, just a couple feet away from Dan's head as he bent over the blazing hot road to get the tire off, no easy task. Seeing that people were not moving over, I got out and stood near my husband's head, I thought they could probably see the angry, sweating woman standing near the broke down truck, if they didn't happen to notice Dan. It was SO hot in that merciless sun in south Oklahoma. We were many, many hours from our destination. When we finally got the spare on, we thought, with relief that we could be back on our way. We knew it wouldn't hold for the rest of the trip, but hopefully it could get us to Wal-Mart for a new one. A new one we didn't have the money for. How would we pay for food and gas on the way home now? About two miles after we put the spare on, it blew too. Not full enough, and not new enough for those hellfire hot roads of the south. Now what were we to do? Hundreds of miles from home and friends. A mile from the next exit...in the middle of a mountainous forest. We limped our way along the rough terrain on the side of the road till the exit. Every turn on the tires brought really loud banging sounds, in my imgination wreaking horrible, permanent damage to the undercarriage of our vehicle (there was damage, but Dan was able to patch it together later.) My stomach was a mess. What would we do? Thankfully, there was a gas station/restaurant, where we were able to wait till we got help. What help? Some people stared at the big gash in the huge tire of our Expedition. And at the family with the brown baby, and white baby. I was worried about Finn, with a minor heart condition. Not to mention how would I keep two babies happy and quiet while we were waiting for...what? Who would help us? Thanks to Facebook, we already had friends and family praying and offering to help. But what could they do, hundreds of miles away? How could the Lord allow this to happen to us? We did not have the money for an extra hotel stay, we could not afford a $300 tire change. Of all the folks that came and went that day, three stopped to help. One gal offered a phone number. One family walked past and the mom came back, to press $80 in Dan's hand saying,"God told me to give this to you, don't argue with God." I walked out of the restaurant, where, incidentally they were about to begin filming an interview with the owner for a cable tv show. Even MORE pressure to keep the boys quiet. As I made my way to our truck to retrieve some diapers, I noticed Dan talking to a couple, sounding very relieved and grateful. They were taking the broken tire to a Wal-Mart that was about 40 minutes away, to get it replaced. Praise the Lord! As we sat down to wait for them to return, Dan revealed to me about the money that had been given him. Tears welled up in my eyes. I felt we had been in such a desperate situation, with three kids, two under one year old, and nowhere to go, no one to call. The Lord was still with us. We waited for hours, but just as they promised, Bobby and Carol returned with brand new tires, mounted on the old rims. There were two~It had cost them close to $300, and they would accept no reimbursement. They were children of God, good Samaritans, helping out a family who REALLY needed it! They couldn't have known that we needed every last penny we had, just to make it home. They couldn't have known that we travelled all that way to bring home a special needs baby that we had just adopted. They just helped. We may never see these special people again, I didn't think to get their contact info, but one thing I know for sure, we will see them in Heaven, and those are two people I will be sure to track down when I get there! It was such a relief, such a miracle, to be back on the road. But we still had two older tires, and the thought of those blowing made me sick. However, every mile we drove the nauseau abated a bit and my hyper-awareness calmed. We even made it to the hotel room we had booked in Kansas, very late, but we made it!